I'm sorry that I'm not thin enough,
I wouldn't even say I'm pretty as such,
I'm just a mess and not even tall,
In fact there's no beauty to see at all...
I'm sorry for all the times that I'd cry,
And you'd do nothing but try,
To make me laugh or even smile,
If only for a little while...
I'm sorry that I'm not very smart,
And that I take everything to heart,
I'm just a very sensitive soul,
With plenty of failures but not a goal...
I'm sorry for all the hurtful things I've done,
And simply for not being much fun,
The voices I hear have helped me to see,
The truth that the problem is me...
I'm sorry that it has come to this,
But my whole life I've felt something has been amiss,
You'll agree that it is for the best,
At least in the end, like all the rest...
I'm sorry but the pain is just too much,
You see I'm just not strong enough,
I'm sorry but I know you'll see,
I just need to be free...
I'm sorry my amazing friends,
I just cannot continue to pretend,
That all is fine and all is good,
The way I know that I should...
I'm sorry to my beautiful Mother,
That I have chosen this path and not another,
I hope you understand in time,
That the blame is entirely mine...
I'm sorry to everyone that I love,
And even to those who couldn't give a stuff,
But what else could I do?
When I'm so alone and without a clue...
Friday, 9 June 2017
Tuesday, 9 May 2017
Life...
Life is a rollercoaster.
Life is like a box of chocolates.
Life is a bitch and then you die.
Life is what you make it.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
There are so many different quotes you can use to describe this existence we call life.
When you're a child, no one can tell you what your life is going to be like. The challenges you will face. The loves you will find. The heartbreaks you will endure. The friends you will make along the way. The enemies who turn up in the unlikeliest of places. The eventual pain you will feel.
Everyone always says life is short so you have to live every day as if it's your last. That the pain and challenges you face are what make you stronger. That life is what you ultimately make of it. That you choose the direction in which your life goes.
But what if that's not true? What if all the challenges and pain and heartbreak, the love and happiness and achievements are merely preparing you for the next one?
I'm not a religious person; honestly I have no idea if there is a higher being watching us all. I believe in several aspects from several religions.
I do, however, believe we live several lives and that once we die; we are reborn as a different person. I have no evidence to support this but let's face it - between living another life or rotting in the ground, I'd rather believe in the former.
Of course we are very unlikely to ever know what lies beyond death. Maybe we do just rot in the ground. Maybe we are reborn and our actions in this life affect our next one. Maybe we don't die but get abducted by little green men. I have no idea.
Wednesday, 4 May 2016
Happier Times
When the world is full of pain,
I find myself wanting to dance in the rain,
Remembering the sunshine,
And the whole world could be mine.
Surrounded by friends as we laugh and shout,
Not hearing the voices that continue to shout out,
The more I seem to drink,
The less time I have to think.
Jumping in puddles like a child,
When my mood swings are fairly mild,
Living life to the full,
Back to the girl that's always cheerful.
I find myself wanting to dance in the rain,
Remembering the sunshine,
And the whole world could be mine.
Surrounded by friends as we laugh and shout,
Not hearing the voices that continue to shout out,
The more I seem to drink,
The less time I have to think.
Jumping in puddles like a child,
When my mood swings are fairly mild,
Living life to the full,
Back to the girl that's always cheerful.
Saturday, 2 April 2016
Pain and Anger...
That moment when all you feel is pain,
And there's nothing left to gain,
All the pain and anger from inside,
And all you want to do is run and hide,
The pain and anger that threatens to reveal itself,
The friends you force upon a shelf,
Push them away, make them hate you,
So they don't see the real you,
The loneliness that follows you around,
Suffocating you without a sound,
The pain and anger consumes you whole,
Until you're left without a soul,
The temptation that grows and grows,
When you hit an all time low,
The more you hide it, the more you cry,
Surely it would be kinder to just let me die...
And there's nothing left to gain,
All the pain and anger from inside,
And all you want to do is run and hide,
The pain and anger that threatens to reveal itself,
The friends you force upon a shelf,
Push them away, make them hate you,
So they don't see the real you,
The loneliness that follows you around,
Suffocating you without a sound,
The pain and anger consumes you whole,
Until you're left without a soul,
The temptation that grows and grows,
When you hit an all time low,
The more you hide it, the more you cry,
Surely it would be kinder to just let me die...
Sunday, 6 December 2015
Three Long Years...
Three long years since that awful day,
The pain I felt as you walked away,
The tears that fell with you unaware,
Back when I believed you did truly care.
Three long years since we last spoke,
The evening when my heart was broke,
They say it takes time to heal,
Something I know isn't real.
Three long years but you've moved on,
Forgotten all about me for so long,
I still wake up with you on my mind,
If only my feelings I could bind.
Three long years with no hope in sight,
Just useless wishing I could make it right,
I lost everything that fatal day,
Now I'd do anything to take this pain away.
Three long years yet the tears still come,
All the times that you told me I was dumb,
Pathetic and stupid, just a sad loser,
My friends knew you were just a user.
Three long years since I broke apart,
Now no one will ever get my heart,
I cannot trust, I cannot love,
Only to you that I still hold above.
Three long years and I'm still a mess,
Wondering if it'll be the same on the next,
Torturing myself for the things I did wrong,
Pretending to be okay, pretending to be strong.
It's been three long and lonely years,
My family and friends have wiped away my tears,
They've helped to rebuild me,
Just so you couldn't see,
The little broken girl that you left in the street,
Instead of the girl who used to be sweet,
The girl who now isolates herself from her friends,
Until she has to accept she's not okay in the end.
It's been three long and hard years,
By myself, just me and my fears,
The song we played together brings back,
All the good memories we had but now we lack,
I still cannot see the bad,
Just the perfect guy that I once had,
My family watch me as I laugh and smile,
Knowing it will only be for a while.
Its been a long and surprising time,
Never set free from my crime,
The day you left me all alone,
If only you could see the girl that has grown,
Out of the pain, out of the hate,
Except now its too late,
Even now, the pain gets too much to bear,
If only you'd find it in your heart to care.
The pain I felt as you walked away,
The tears that fell with you unaware,
Back when I believed you did truly care.
Three long years since we last spoke,
The evening when my heart was broke,
They say it takes time to heal,
Something I know isn't real.
Three long years but you've moved on,
Forgotten all about me for so long,
I still wake up with you on my mind,
If only my feelings I could bind.
Three long years with no hope in sight,
Just useless wishing I could make it right,
I lost everything that fatal day,
Now I'd do anything to take this pain away.
Three long years yet the tears still come,
All the times that you told me I was dumb,
Pathetic and stupid, just a sad loser,
My friends knew you were just a user.
Three long years since I broke apart,
Now no one will ever get my heart,
I cannot trust, I cannot love,
Only to you that I still hold above.
Three long years and I'm still a mess,
Wondering if it'll be the same on the next,
Torturing myself for the things I did wrong,
Pretending to be okay, pretending to be strong.
It's been three long and lonely years,
My family and friends have wiped away my tears,
They've helped to rebuild me,
Just so you couldn't see,
The little broken girl that you left in the street,
Instead of the girl who used to be sweet,
The girl who now isolates herself from her friends,
Until she has to accept she's not okay in the end.
It's been three long and hard years,
By myself, just me and my fears,
The song we played together brings back,
All the good memories we had but now we lack,
I still cannot see the bad,
Just the perfect guy that I once had,
My family watch me as I laugh and smile,
Knowing it will only be for a while.
Its been a long and surprising time,
Never set free from my crime,
The day you left me all alone,
If only you could see the girl that has grown,
Out of the pain, out of the hate,
Except now its too late,
Even now, the pain gets too much to bear,
If only you'd find it in your heart to care.
Wednesday, 25 November 2015
In The Light of Day...
In the light of day,
When everything seems right,
All her fears are far away,
Except her internal fight,
To stay the happy girl,
With no cares in the world.
In the light of day,
She laughs and smiles,
But when she's alone and out of the way,
Her silent tears flow for miles,
The fight inside gets too strong,
She struggles to belong.
In the light of day,
Her friends don't see,
The voices are loud with what they say,
The isolated girl is no longer me,
The tears that continue to flow,
The pain and fear that seems to grow.
In the light of day,
She can no longer fight,
She cannot see another way,
With no hope within her sight,
The pain she feels is too much,
In this hopeless world where she feels as such.
In the light of day,
Listen to what I cannot say,
The world is cruel and they must pay,
With no doubt and without delay,
No more looking behind, no second glances,
To put this right, my one last chance.
When everything seems right,
All her fears are far away,
Except her internal fight,
To stay the happy girl,
With no cares in the world.
In the light of day,
She laughs and smiles,
But when she's alone and out of the way,
Her silent tears flow for miles,
The fight inside gets too strong,
She struggles to belong.
In the light of day,
Her friends don't see,
The voices are loud with what they say,
The isolated girl is no longer me,
The tears that continue to flow,
The pain and fear that seems to grow.
In the light of day,
She can no longer fight,
She cannot see another way,
With no hope within her sight,
The pain she feels is too much,
In this hopeless world where she feels as such.
In the light of day,
Listen to what I cannot say,
The world is cruel and they must pay,
With no doubt and without delay,
No more looking behind, no second glances,
To put this right, my one last chance.
Wednesday, 18 November 2015
Turning 25 on the 25th...
So I recently turned 25 and decided to ask 5 of my closest friends to give me 5 questions each (making 25, one for each year I've been here for!)
So Tanya (over at Tanya's Tea Party) gave me these questions:
1). If you won £1,000,000, what would you do with it?
If I won £1 million, the first thing I would is pay off my student loans and all the IOUs that I currently have. I'd also buy my Mum a house somewhere. I'd apply to study my Masters degree. I'd probably go on a massive shopping spree with my friends as well!
2). From what you have achieved, what are you most proud of?
I would have to say getting my degree from York St John is probably my greatest achievement. There were so many times I nearly gave up and even before I started, I wasn't sure if I'd even get into the university. It was such an amazing experience and I would go back if I could!
3). What attributes would your dream boyfriend have?
My dream boyfriend would have to be someone who made me laugh. Someone who was sensitive but had a bit of a bad boy side as well. The main thing that I would want in a boyfriend is someone who makes me feel safe and accepts me for who I am completely. Someone who can cope with my hyper moods but also who can handle me when I'm at my lowest.
4). What do you love most about blogging?
The thing I love the most about blogging is the ability to write. I love writing but blogging gives me the opportunity to share my poems, creative ramblings and ideas with the wider population. It also gives my family and friends the chance to see what I think and feel!
5). Did you have goals to do before you turned 25? If so, did you do any of them?
I had lots of goals for before I turned 25. I was going to be engaged in a place of my own. I was going to have a tattoo along with a job in either teaching or as a musician. I was going to be living in a city and I wanted to go travelling as well. Unfortunately, the only thing I have managed to achieve is living in a city! But I have travelled slightly to different places, more as holidays rather than taking a year or two just solely travelling!
Anyway, keep an eye out for the next instalment!
Ciao x
So Tanya (over at Tanya's Tea Party) gave me these questions:
1). If you won £1,000,000, what would you do with it?
If I won £1 million, the first thing I would is pay off my student loans and all the IOUs that I currently have. I'd also buy my Mum a house somewhere. I'd apply to study my Masters degree. I'd probably go on a massive shopping spree with my friends as well!
2). From what you have achieved, what are you most proud of?
I would have to say getting my degree from York St John is probably my greatest achievement. There were so many times I nearly gave up and even before I started, I wasn't sure if I'd even get into the university. It was such an amazing experience and I would go back if I could!
3). What attributes would your dream boyfriend have?
My dream boyfriend would have to be someone who made me laugh. Someone who was sensitive but had a bit of a bad boy side as well. The main thing that I would want in a boyfriend is someone who makes me feel safe and accepts me for who I am completely. Someone who can cope with my hyper moods but also who can handle me when I'm at my lowest.
4). What do you love most about blogging?
The thing I love the most about blogging is the ability to write. I love writing but blogging gives me the opportunity to share my poems, creative ramblings and ideas with the wider population. It also gives my family and friends the chance to see what I think and feel!
5). Did you have goals to do before you turned 25? If so, did you do any of them?
I had lots of goals for before I turned 25. I was going to be engaged in a place of my own. I was going to have a tattoo along with a job in either teaching or as a musician. I was going to be living in a city and I wanted to go travelling as well. Unfortunately, the only thing I have managed to achieve is living in a city! But I have travelled slightly to different places, more as holidays rather than taking a year or two just solely travelling!
Anyway, keep an eye out for the next instalment!
Ciao x
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