topbella

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Lost in Translation...

So recently it dawned on me that I have been in Edinburgh for a year now. I've been at my current job for a year, making it my second longest job in a fairly long line of jobs.

However, as always when it gets to this sort of time that I am beginning to feel restless again. I love my job, I really do and I don't want to leave it. On the other hand, I can't help feeling like there is something more I should be doing with my life.

I've been looking into doing a Masters course again at Edinburgh University. However, I won't be eligible for any funding to help towards tuition fees and while I could theoretically manage, I am not sure if it is the wisest of ideas to do it.

I thrive when I'm learning and I know this. I am also aware that doing this Masters course will probably just be another qualification that I won't use, similar to my current BA(Hons) degree I have.

SO! The big question...

Do I study a course I have found which sounds amazing but will take me 3 years to complete but then means I can still work full time at a job I do love?

OR...

Do I forget completely about studying further?

OR...

Do I find another job to work alongside my current one AND study the Masters?

Think I need to talk to the most rational person I know...my Mum...

Ciao x

Saturday, 25 July 2015

Creative Ramblings...

As I sit and watch the world go by,
I count down the days till I fly,
Away from the past and to somewhere new,
Where the grass is green and the sky is blue,

No more noise and no more tears,
Where I'll at last forget my fears,
Do not worry for I'll be fine,
Soon I'll have my chance to shine,

The world I'll find will be beautiful and kind,
Where I may have a chance to unwind,
Forget the girl I used to be,
And become the girl everyone wants to see,

Finally able to spread my wings,
My voice will find a new song to sing,
A chance to put my mistakes right,
And away from this endless night,

The sun will shine on a brand new day,
And at last I'll be able to say,
See that girl sat by herself,
No longer will she be on a shelf,

She will be beautiful and free,
Her heart will be full of love you see,
No longer haunted by the past,
Able to smile at long last.

Saturday, 20 June 2015

My Favourite Things...

So I thought I would do a post slightly more personal and in depth than some of my previous posts. Usually I write about my past, my random thoughts of the day or I share some of my more creative musings.

The next few posts are going to focus on my favourite things to do. I'll share why I love them, how I got into certain activities and I'll try *fingers crossed* and upload photos (if I can work out how to do that because I am a bit of a technophobe!)

This post is going to focus on playing tenor saxophone.

I started playing tenor saxophone back in Year 7 (when I was 11). It was our first proper music lesson and we were told that the school had several instruments we could try out for to learn to play while we were at the school. There were several brass instruments and violins but there were two alto saxophones and a tenor saxophone. 

I have always loved the way saxophones sound. They're so smooth sounding and a true icon of jazz music, in my opinion. So when the opportunity arose, I snatched up the chance to learn how to play one!

It turned out the three saxophones were a common choice but luckily for me, I was the only person who could get a note out of the tenor saxophone straight away. I was offered the chance of learning to play. Three hours later, I turned up on my doorstep with a huge case containing the Bb tenor saxophone. My mum was slightly shocked to say the least!

Several months later and my parents decided to get divorced. Not the best thing to happen anyway but when the news came that my mum and I would be moving to York. I'm not going to lie, I was heartbroken as I was absolutely sure this would be the end of my saxophone lessons. I had learned so much in a short space of time and I loved playing the saxophone. It had become my dream to play professionally.

We moved to York and I started yet another new school. It took a few weeks but the music department were able to buy a tenor saxophone which they let me borrow while I was attending the school. I started my lessons again and fell back in love with the instrument.

Around a year after I first started playing in York, I began to join bands. I became a member of York Youth Jazz Band as well as the school's jazz, concert and wind bands. I studied hard both on my academic studies and my saxophone studies and I sat my Grade 4 exam.

There are 8 musical grades. Each one requires the student to learn several scales and arpeggios and pieces of music which differ in style. To gain grade 5 and above, students also need to sit a theory exam (which is as boring as it sounds!)

I passed my grade 4 exam and it was partially this that made me certain I wanted to pursue music as a career. I started planning what university I wanted to go to so I knew what A-Levels to study and what grades I needed to get in.

I decided to study a Jazz Course at the Royal College of Music in London. It is one of the best places to study music but that comes with a very high cost! My course was going to be expensive but if I wanted to be a professional tenorsaxophonist, it was a price I had to pay. I wanted to play professionally all over the world, New York, London, New Orleans, Paris, anywhere.

As you may have gathered, I didn't study music at university. I studied Education Studies and English Language and Linguistics instead but that is a different story entirely!

In 2007, my mum and I moved to Berwick-upon-Tweed and it was the October that she gave me the ultimate surprise. For my birthday present, and for doing well in my GCSEs (which I completed in York despite moving halfway through them), she had bought me my very own tenor saxophone.

A bright red Manhattan 5, limited edition tenor saxophone. It was honestly love at first sight. Being the geek that I am, I named it Rudolph.

I studied music at GCSE level and wanted to continue this to A level but unfortunately the sixth form I attended didn't have the option of A level music. Instead I studied a National Diploma in Music Performance. Three years later and I gained a triple distinction which is equivalent to three As at A level. I also studied for my grade 5 exam. While I passed the practical, I failed the theory but I still say I'm grade 5.

I started learning to play saxophone 14 years ago. I haven't played in 4 years but I still have the original passion I first had for it. Learning to play the saxophone helped me through many dark times I faced. My parent's divorce. Being bullied in school. Relationship problems with my parents. Depression. Rejection. 

It was also thanks to my saxophone lessons that I learned to control the fiery temper I inherited from my father. I learned that jazz and classical music calm me down and take me to a safer place. I discovered a talent that seperates me from my family. Being the second youngest of six children (between my mum and dad, not together) it is difficult to find a voice sometimes. Anyone who knows me will say that I never have difficulty finding my voice but its nice to have something that your siblings don't share. Other than my lack of spatial awareness or clumsiness anyway. Two of my sisters were musical but they were sporty or academic as well. Far more academic than me.

I also discovered that passion inside me that I longed for. I wasn't sporty at school, I was fairly academic but I didn't feel I was clever enough. Playing saxophone made me feel like I belonged somewhere at last. Having moved around so much, I got fed up of just being the new girl. Playing saxophone allowed me to find my identity in a world I felt I was an outsider in.

So that's how I started playing saxophone. One of the few things in life I don't regret and something I would never change.

Ciao for now!
X


Saturday, 13 June 2015

The Four Things Tag...

So I have finally got round to replacing my laptop and I have bought a tablet. Well, I used some of my incentive points from work to buy it but it is basically the same thing! 

My best friend Claire (over at www.geniusvsbeauty.blogspot.com) recently did this 4 things tag so I thought I would steal it and do it as well! Check out her blog - she regularly posts and she writes about her passions including history and reading.

Four Places that I have lived:
This is a tough decision. I have moved around a lot so I have picked the four places I lived the most/the longest

1. York
2. Reston, Scottish Borders
3. Lowick, Northumberland
4. Edinburgh (where I currently live)

Four Jobs I have had:

1. Conference and Banqueting Assistant
2. Housekeeping Assistant
3. Bartender
4. Food and Beverage Assistant

Four Things I Don't Eat:

1. Brussel Sprouts
2. Olives
3. Blueberries
4. Cream

Four of my Favourite Foods:

1. My Mum's lasagne
2. Chicken Casear Salad
3. Pepperoni Pizza
4. My Dad's beef curry (which actually uses my Mum's recipe!)

Four Movies I've Seen More Than Once:

1. Pretty Woman
2. All the X-Men films
3. Chicago
4. Evita

Four TV Shows I Watch (still running):

1. Doctor Who
2. Holby City
3. The Big Bang Theory
4. EastEnders

Four TV Shows I Watch (ended):

1. Friends
2. Torchwood
3. Glee
4. Charmed

Four Things I'm Looking Forward to This Year:

1. Doctor Who Exhibition in Cardiff
2. Cardiff summer holiday with my best friend
3. Speedway Finals
4. Seeing family 

Four Websites I Visit Daily:

1. BBC education news
2. Facebook
3. Gmail
4. Online Banking

Four Things I Can't Live Without:

1. My music
2. Big Ted
3. My phone
4. My lucky necklace

Four Places I've Visited:

1. Brittany, France
2. The Pyranees, Spain
3. Italy
4. Cornwall

Four Pet Peeves:

1. Bad spelling
2. Rudeness
3. Bad manners
4. Obnoxious people 

Four Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Travel the world
2. Play saxophone in Jools Holland's orchestra
3. Act professionally
4. Achieve my dreams

Four Subjects I Studied at School:

1. Music
2. English Language
3. French
4. German

Four Things Near Me Now:

1. My phone
2. Big Ted
3. My cigarettes
4. Diet Coke

Four Names People Call Me Other than my Name:

1. Sez
2. Shorty
3. Amy (my mum is forever calling me by my niece's name)
4. Sahara


Ciao for now
X

Monday, 11 May 2015

Acceptance...

People say that acceptance is the first step on the long road to recovery. What they neglect to tell you is that acceptance is also one of the hardest things to do.

It has recently become apparent to me that sometimes, I have difficulty dealing with some of my more personal issues. I'm not completely stupid. I am aware that I have problems with regards to how I cope emotionally along with other things.

One example that comes to mind is my slight OCD tendencies. Whenever I walk up or down stairs I count them without realising. I get some strange looks from people I work with which is always interesting! I have also started to randomly count steps I take normally, usually from the bar to the restaurant within the hotel that I work in.

Accepting that I have some OCD tendencies is difficult, especially when I am completely unaware that I am doing it. However, this is not the hardest part of my life that I have to learn to accept.

By accepting that I do not cope with my issues reinforces the dreadful feeling of failure that I have to contend with every day. I am 24 years old, I live in a city where I have no family and the friends I do have here are the people I work with, meaning I rarely do anything on my days off. I have an Honours degree in Education Studies and English Language and Linguistics and yet, I am working at a minimum wage level job.

However, I love my job. I get to interact with a wide variety of people both guests and my colleagues. There are several days when I do feel like I am wasting my degree but as my very wise mother keeps telling, I am good at what I do and I enjoy it.

By accepting my issues, does this then enable me to move on from the past? Does it mean I will lose the person I have become because of the things that happened to me in the past? Or does it mean I will be able to evolve into a new person?

This then raises the question of how best to accept? I have friends who just sit and talk everything through and this then allows them to accept it. However, this does not work for me as I feel like I am just burdening other people with my problems.

I used to find acceptance while playing tenor saxophone. Something about playing the instrument and creating music just helped somehow. Unfortunately I haven't played in five and half years so it isn't something I immediately think of nowadays.

Maybe the answer lies within my creative writing...

Thursday, 9 April 2015

Out of Sight...

Out of Sight

So much noise that only I can hear,
Building up from past years,
All the time in the world,
And yet so scared, like a little girl.

Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.

Cursed to always look behind,
Stuck in the prison of my mind,
Yearning to at last be free,
Back to the girl I used to be,

Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.

Away from this endless night,
And finally stepping into the light,
Back to a time I didn't let you down,
Why can't I get it right now?

Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.

All I want is to see you proud,
But the noise is so loud,
How to make it right?
And find the strength to fight?

Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.

Longing for the noise to cease,
Dying to keep the peace,
Destined to be the little girl,
Who needs saving from the world.

Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.

One day I will be strong,
Like you have been for so long,
I'm sorry but it's just so hard,
I wish your life wasn't so scarred,

Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.

You know I'll never stop loving you,
It's because of you that I've got through,
The rough times we've encountered and seen,
You're the best person you could have been.

Out of sight but never from my mind,
If only our time together could unwind.

You always taught me life isn't fair,
But I'm stuck in an endless nightmare,
No one to blame but myself,
Always the one left on the shelf.

Out of sight, out of mind,
Maybe it's too late for time to unwind.




Monday, 6 April 2015

TMI Travel Tag...

1. What was the last country you visited?
Last country I visited was.....Mallorca with my best friend Claire. We went in 2013 and it was the first time I have ever flown in an aeroplane! It was such a weird feeling when we took off and I've fairly sure I nearly broke Claire's hand during it.


  
2. How many countries have you visited?
I have been to Spain, Italy, France, Ireland, England, Scotland so um...6 

  
3. What is your favourite place on the planet that you have been to?
I would have to say France. I love the language and their food. I went to France a lot as child with my Mum, mainly to Brittany. My first proper family holiday was to Disneyland Paris where I went with my Mum, Dad and my younger sister. I would love to live there someday!
 
 
4. Favourite place in your home country?
Wow, that is a tough one. I've visited so many places in the UK. I would have to say its between York and Edinburgh. I lived in York a total of 3 times for approximately 9 years, hence the slight Yorkshire twang to my accent. I love York because of how historical it is. My favourite place was the Museum Gardens where I did revision for my GCSEs, wrote part of my dissertation for university and read several books during my time there. However, I currently live in Edinburgh and it reminds me so much of York except its in my home country of Scotland.

 

 5. If you could board a plane now, where would you go?
I would go to New York. Since I was a young girl, I have always wanted to go to New York. It is such a vibrant city with so much culture. Growing up, I wanted to be an actress on Broadway but it was to be a dream that I wouldn't achieve. 

Ooo, or I would go to New Orleans! As a tenor saxophonist, I adore jazz music and New Orleans is famous for its jazz both nowadays and in history.

 
6. What's your cup of tea - Tropical island getaway, snowy ski break, or city exploring trips?
Well, I burn far too easily so tropical island is off. I love the snow but I have zero balance so I guess it would have to be city exploring!
 
 
 
 7. What are your top 3 hand luggage must-haves?
I must have my Iphone with my music, especially if it involves flying! I'm not sure other than that. I guess my sunglasses are a must if I have contact lenses in and if its somewhere sunny, I have to have a lot of suncream!

 

 8. Any travel tips to share?
Travelling with a friend is always much more fun than travelling alone! I would also suggest trying to get involved with some of the culture of the country. As for me, I love learning languages so I try to learn some of the native language as well when I go somewhere new. Even here in the UK, I try to learn local slang and local dialects.

 

 9. Most embarrassing moment abroad.
Oh gosh. Um...in Mallorca with Claire, she let me fall asleep on the sun loungers and I got badly sunburnt on my legs. When I woke up, I could hardly move and whenever I tried to go into the pool to cool my legs down, I let out a tiny, very girly scream! Later that night, when I was sleeping, so Claire tells me, I started mumbling in my sleep and told her I would meet her by the orange sun loungers before accidentally slapping her in the face! Weird thing being the sun loungers at the hotel were blue!
 

 
10. Biggest disappointment.
I'm not sure I've ever really been disappointed on my travels. I guess Disneyland Paris wasn't the best holiday. I was too small to go on the roller coasters by myself but neither my parents would come on with me as my mum is petrified of heights and my dad isn't very good with them either. It was also during that holiday I found out my parents were getting divorced.

 

 
11. Nicest surprise.
Going to Marine-Land or Marine-World (can't remember what it's called) while in Mallorca was really good! I loved seeing the dolphins performing and it was just amazing!

 

 12. Three places at the tip of the travel bucket list.
New York, Rome and Antarctica. Don't ask about Antarctica!

 

 
13. Favourite food discovery. 
I don't really know. I vaguely remember trying horse when I was younger but I can't remember if I liked it. I do remember trying Croque Monsieurs while in France and adored them! 
 

14. Why do you travel?
I love going to new places and getting involved with other cultures. Also, because I've moved around so much, travelling is kind of the same but without the hassle of carting all my belongings around!

 

 15. What 3 things would you take on holiday/going travelling if you could?
I would definitely take my sketchpad so I could draw my new surroundings. I'd also take a TARDIS with me so I could travel back in time as well as around the world! And finally, I'd take my best friends Claire, Tanya and Helena with me :)

 
16. Have you picked up any phrases from travelling?
Well, people from work have told me I use "alright" a lot from York. I also use quite a lot of slang from Berwick-upon-Tweed, such as "Mortal" for drunk. Other than that, I use the occasionally French phrase but nothing else that comes to mind.
 

 17. What two places would you not go back to and why?
I would definitely go back to Paris, not just Disneyland but the whole city. I recently discovered I love the adrenaline rush from roller coasters so the chance to go to Disneyland would be amazing! 

I would also go back to the Pyrenees. I went there on a camping trip with Scouts when I was 13 and it was truly an amazing experience. I went absailing, rock climbing, into caves and just some amazing things. 

 
18. Your dream travel companion.
My dream travel companion would have to be someone who shared my love for travelling and culture. Someone open minded and someone who wanted to experience new things! So far, I've only travelled with family or my friend Claire.
 

19. Most surreal travel moment.
I would definitely say my first time flying was surreal! It was such a weird feeling when we took off. I had no idea what to expect and apart from nearly breaking Claire's hand, it was amazing. I loved it when we flew over some mountains (I can't remember which ones) and the view was spectacular!
 

 
20. Three people you would like to see do this tag?
I don't have three people to tag :( But I will tag another of my best friends, the lovely and amazing Tanya :)
tanyasteaparty.blogspot.co.uk

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