People say that acceptance is the first step on the long road to recovery. What they neglect to tell you is that acceptance is also one of the hardest things to do.
It has recently become apparent to me that sometimes, I have difficulty dealing with some of my more personal issues. I'm not completely stupid. I am aware that I have problems with regards to how I cope emotionally along with other things.
One example that comes to mind is my slight OCD tendencies. Whenever I walk up or down stairs I count them without realising. I get some strange looks from people I work with which is always interesting! I have also started to randomly count steps I take normally, usually from the bar to the restaurant within the hotel that I work in.
Accepting that I have some OCD tendencies is difficult, especially when I am completely unaware that I am doing it. However, this is not the hardest part of my life that I have to learn to accept.
By accepting that I do not cope with my issues reinforces the dreadful feeling of failure that I have to contend with every day. I am 24 years old, I live in a city where I have no family and the friends I do have here are the people I work with, meaning I rarely do anything on my days off. I have an Honours degree in Education Studies and English Language and Linguistics and yet, I am working at a minimum wage level job.
However, I love my job. I get to interact with a wide variety of people both guests and my colleagues. There are several days when I do feel like I am wasting my degree but as my very wise mother keeps telling, I am good at what I do and I enjoy it.
By accepting my issues, does this then enable me to move on from the past? Does it mean I will lose the person I have become because of the things that happened to me in the past? Or does it mean I will be able to evolve into a new person?
This then raises the question of how best to accept? I have friends who just sit and talk everything through and this then allows them to accept it. However, this does not work for me as I feel like I am just burdening other people with my problems.
I used to find acceptance while playing tenor saxophone. Something about playing the instrument and creating music just helped somehow. Unfortunately I haven't played in five and half years so it isn't something I immediately think of nowadays.
Maybe the answer lies within my creative writing...
