Three long years since that awful day,
The pain I felt as you walked away,
The tears that fell with you unaware,
Back when I believed you did truly care.
Three long years since we last spoke,
The evening when my heart was broke,
They say it takes time to heal,
Something I know isn't real.
Three long years but you've moved on,
Forgotten all about me for so long,
I still wake up with you on my mind,
If only my feelings I could bind.
Three long years with no hope in sight,
Just useless wishing I could make it right,
I lost everything that fatal day,
Now I'd do anything to take this pain away.
Three long years yet the tears still come,
All the times that you told me I was dumb,
Pathetic and stupid, just a sad loser,
My friends knew you were just a user.
Three long years since I broke apart,
Now no one will ever get my heart,
I cannot trust, I cannot love,
Only to you that I still hold above.
Three long years and I'm still a mess,
Wondering if it'll be the same on the next,
Torturing myself for the things I did wrong,
Pretending to be okay, pretending to be strong.
It's been three long and lonely years,
My family and friends have wiped away my tears,
They've helped to rebuild me,
Just so you couldn't see,
The little broken girl that you left in the street,
Instead of the girl who used to be sweet,
The girl who now isolates herself from her friends,
Until she has to accept she's not okay in the end.
It's been three long and hard years,
By myself, just me and my fears,
The song we played together brings back,
All the good memories we had but now we lack,
I still cannot see the bad,
Just the perfect guy that I once had,
My family watch me as I laugh and smile,
Knowing it will only be for a while.
Its been a long and surprising time,
Never set free from my crime,
The day you left me all alone,
If only you could see the girl that has grown,
Out of the pain, out of the hate,
Except now its too late,
Even now, the pain gets too much to bear,
If only you'd find it in your heart to care.
Sunday 6 December 2015
Wednesday 25 November 2015
In The Light of Day...
In the light of day,
When everything seems right,
All her fears are far away,
Except her internal fight,
To stay the happy girl,
With no cares in the world.
In the light of day,
She laughs and smiles,
But when she's alone and out of the way,
Her silent tears flow for miles,
The fight inside gets too strong,
She struggles to belong.
In the light of day,
Her friends don't see,
The voices are loud with what they say,
The isolated girl is no longer me,
The tears that continue to flow,
The pain and fear that seems to grow.
In the light of day,
She can no longer fight,
She cannot see another way,
With no hope within her sight,
The pain she feels is too much,
In this hopeless world where she feels as such.
In the light of day,
Listen to what I cannot say,
The world is cruel and they must pay,
With no doubt and without delay,
No more looking behind, no second glances,
To put this right, my one last chance.
When everything seems right,
All her fears are far away,
Except her internal fight,
To stay the happy girl,
With no cares in the world.
In the light of day,
She laughs and smiles,
But when she's alone and out of the way,
Her silent tears flow for miles,
The fight inside gets too strong,
She struggles to belong.
In the light of day,
Her friends don't see,
The voices are loud with what they say,
The isolated girl is no longer me,
The tears that continue to flow,
The pain and fear that seems to grow.
In the light of day,
She can no longer fight,
She cannot see another way,
With no hope within her sight,
The pain she feels is too much,
In this hopeless world where she feels as such.
In the light of day,
Listen to what I cannot say,
The world is cruel and they must pay,
With no doubt and without delay,
No more looking behind, no second glances,
To put this right, my one last chance.
Wednesday 18 November 2015
Turning 25 on the 25th...
So I recently turned 25 and decided to ask 5 of my closest friends to give me 5 questions each (making 25, one for each year I've been here for!)
So Tanya (over at Tanya's Tea Party) gave me these questions:
1). If you won £1,000,000, what would you do with it?
If I won £1 million, the first thing I would is pay off my student loans and all the IOUs that I currently have. I'd also buy my Mum a house somewhere. I'd apply to study my Masters degree. I'd probably go on a massive shopping spree with my friends as well!
2). From what you have achieved, what are you most proud of?
I would have to say getting my degree from York St John is probably my greatest achievement. There were so many times I nearly gave up and even before I started, I wasn't sure if I'd even get into the university. It was such an amazing experience and I would go back if I could!
3). What attributes would your dream boyfriend have?
My dream boyfriend would have to be someone who made me laugh. Someone who was sensitive but had a bit of a bad boy side as well. The main thing that I would want in a boyfriend is someone who makes me feel safe and accepts me for who I am completely. Someone who can cope with my hyper moods but also who can handle me when I'm at my lowest.
4). What do you love most about blogging?
The thing I love the most about blogging is the ability to write. I love writing but blogging gives me the opportunity to share my poems, creative ramblings and ideas with the wider population. It also gives my family and friends the chance to see what I think and feel!
5). Did you have goals to do before you turned 25? If so, did you do any of them?
I had lots of goals for before I turned 25. I was going to be engaged in a place of my own. I was going to have a tattoo along with a job in either teaching or as a musician. I was going to be living in a city and I wanted to go travelling as well. Unfortunately, the only thing I have managed to achieve is living in a city! But I have travelled slightly to different places, more as holidays rather than taking a year or two just solely travelling!
Anyway, keep an eye out for the next instalment!
Ciao x
So Tanya (over at Tanya's Tea Party) gave me these questions:
1). If you won £1,000,000, what would you do with it?
If I won £1 million, the first thing I would is pay off my student loans and all the IOUs that I currently have. I'd also buy my Mum a house somewhere. I'd apply to study my Masters degree. I'd probably go on a massive shopping spree with my friends as well!
2). From what you have achieved, what are you most proud of?
I would have to say getting my degree from York St John is probably my greatest achievement. There were so many times I nearly gave up and even before I started, I wasn't sure if I'd even get into the university. It was such an amazing experience and I would go back if I could!
3). What attributes would your dream boyfriend have?
My dream boyfriend would have to be someone who made me laugh. Someone who was sensitive but had a bit of a bad boy side as well. The main thing that I would want in a boyfriend is someone who makes me feel safe and accepts me for who I am completely. Someone who can cope with my hyper moods but also who can handle me when I'm at my lowest.
4). What do you love most about blogging?
The thing I love the most about blogging is the ability to write. I love writing but blogging gives me the opportunity to share my poems, creative ramblings and ideas with the wider population. It also gives my family and friends the chance to see what I think and feel!
5). Did you have goals to do before you turned 25? If so, did you do any of them?
I had lots of goals for before I turned 25. I was going to be engaged in a place of my own. I was going to have a tattoo along with a job in either teaching or as a musician. I was going to be living in a city and I wanted to go travelling as well. Unfortunately, the only thing I have managed to achieve is living in a city! But I have travelled slightly to different places, more as holidays rather than taking a year or two just solely travelling!
Anyway, keep an eye out for the next instalment!
Ciao x
Tuesday 13 October 2015
A New Story in a New Direction...
I've always been told to write what you know so that is exactly what I have decided to do. My new idea for my book revolves around things that have happened in my past. Not all bad things though, some of them are good!
I've been sending draft versions to a few of my friends who are helping me edit it as I go and I can already feel like it is helping me to overcome the events that surrounded my teenage years.
I'm a bit concerned that it might affect my Mum and family but since I have changed everyone's names and place names as well, I am hoping that they won't mind. Also, if it helps me to become a better person then hopefully they'll understand.
My childhood wasn't a particularly horrendous one but there were things that happened that have changed me from the happy girl I used to me. Combine that with all the moving and a failed relationship that I'm only beginning to see the truth about, is it any wonder I have dark days?
Anyway best go and carry on writing!
Ciao x
I've been sending draft versions to a few of my friends who are helping me edit it as I go and I can already feel like it is helping me to overcome the events that surrounded my teenage years.
I'm a bit concerned that it might affect my Mum and family but since I have changed everyone's names and place names as well, I am hoping that they won't mind. Also, if it helps me to become a better person then hopefully they'll understand.
My childhood wasn't a particularly horrendous one but there were things that happened that have changed me from the happy girl I used to me. Combine that with all the moving and a failed relationship that I'm only beginning to see the truth about, is it any wonder I have dark days?
Anyway best go and carry on writing!
Ciao x
Tuesday 15 September 2015
Lost in Translation...
So recently it dawned on me that I have been in Edinburgh for a year now. I've been at my current job for a year, making it my second longest job in a fairly long line of jobs.
However, as always when it gets to this sort of time that I am beginning to feel restless again. I love my job, I really do and I don't want to leave it. On the other hand, I can't help feeling like there is something more I should be doing with my life.
I've been looking into doing a Masters course again at Edinburgh University. However, I won't be eligible for any funding to help towards tuition fees and while I could theoretically manage, I am not sure if it is the wisest of ideas to do it.
I thrive when I'm learning and I know this. I am also aware that doing this Masters course will probably just be another qualification that I won't use, similar to my current BA(Hons) degree I have.
SO! The big question...
Do I study a course I have found which sounds amazing but will take me 3 years to complete but then means I can still work full time at a job I do love?
OR...
Do I forget completely about studying further?
OR...
Do I find another job to work alongside my current one AND study the Masters?
Think I need to talk to the most rational person I know...my Mum...
Ciao x
However, as always when it gets to this sort of time that I am beginning to feel restless again. I love my job, I really do and I don't want to leave it. On the other hand, I can't help feeling like there is something more I should be doing with my life.
I've been looking into doing a Masters course again at Edinburgh University. However, I won't be eligible for any funding to help towards tuition fees and while I could theoretically manage, I am not sure if it is the wisest of ideas to do it.
I thrive when I'm learning and I know this. I am also aware that doing this Masters course will probably just be another qualification that I won't use, similar to my current BA(Hons) degree I have.
SO! The big question...
Do I study a course I have found which sounds amazing but will take me 3 years to complete but then means I can still work full time at a job I do love?
OR...
Do I forget completely about studying further?
OR...
Do I find another job to work alongside my current one AND study the Masters?
Think I need to talk to the most rational person I know...my Mum...
Ciao x
Saturday 25 July 2015
Creative Ramblings...
As I sit and watch the world go by,
I count down the days till I fly,
Away from the past and to somewhere new,
Where the grass is green and the sky is blue,
No more noise and no more tears,
Where I'll at last forget my fears,
Do not worry for I'll be fine,
Soon I'll have my chance to shine,
The world I'll find will be beautiful and kind,
Where I may have a chance to unwind,
Forget the girl I used to be,
And become the girl everyone wants to see,
Finally able to spread my wings,
My voice will find a new song to sing,
A chance to put my mistakes right,
And away from this endless night,
The sun will shine on a brand new day,
And at last I'll be able to say,
See that girl sat by herself,
No longer will she be on a shelf,
She will be beautiful and free,
Her heart will be full of love you see,
No longer haunted by the past,
Able to smile at long last.
I count down the days till I fly,
Away from the past and to somewhere new,
Where the grass is green and the sky is blue,
No more noise and no more tears,
Where I'll at last forget my fears,
Do not worry for I'll be fine,
Soon I'll have my chance to shine,
The world I'll find will be beautiful and kind,
Where I may have a chance to unwind,
Forget the girl I used to be,
And become the girl everyone wants to see,
Finally able to spread my wings,
My voice will find a new song to sing,
A chance to put my mistakes right,
And away from this endless night,
The sun will shine on a brand new day,
And at last I'll be able to say,
See that girl sat by herself,
No longer will she be on a shelf,
She will be beautiful and free,
Her heart will be full of love you see,
No longer haunted by the past,
Able to smile at long last.
Saturday 20 June 2015
My Favourite Things...
So I thought I would do a post slightly more personal and in depth than some of my previous posts. Usually I write about my past, my random thoughts of the day or I share some of my more creative musings.
The next few posts are going to focus on my favourite things to do. I'll share why I love them, how I got into certain activities and I'll try *fingers crossed* and upload photos (if I can work out how to do that because I am a bit of a technophobe!)
This post is going to focus on playing tenor saxophone.
I started playing tenor saxophone back in Year 7 (when I was 11). It was our first proper music lesson and we were told that the school had several instruments we could try out for to learn to play while we were at the school. There were several brass instruments and violins but there were two alto saxophones and a tenor saxophone.
I have always loved the way saxophones sound. They're so smooth sounding and a true icon of jazz music, in my opinion. So when the opportunity arose, I snatched up the chance to learn how to play one!
It turned out the three saxophones were a common choice but luckily for me, I was the only person who could get a note out of the tenor saxophone straight away. I was offered the chance of learning to play. Three hours later, I turned up on my doorstep with a huge case containing the Bb tenor saxophone. My mum was slightly shocked to say the least!
Several months later and my parents decided to get divorced. Not the best thing to happen anyway but when the news came that my mum and I would be moving to York. I'm not going to lie, I was heartbroken as I was absolutely sure this would be the end of my saxophone lessons. I had learned so much in a short space of time and I loved playing the saxophone. It had become my dream to play professionally.
We moved to York and I started yet another new school. It took a few weeks but the music department were able to buy a tenor saxophone which they let me borrow while I was attending the school. I started my lessons again and fell back in love with the instrument.
Around a year after I first started playing in York, I began to join bands. I became a member of York Youth Jazz Band as well as the school's jazz, concert and wind bands. I studied hard both on my academic studies and my saxophone studies and I sat my Grade 4 exam.
There are 8 musical grades. Each one requires the student to learn several scales and arpeggios and pieces of music which differ in style. To gain grade 5 and above, students also need to sit a theory exam (which is as boring as it sounds!)
I passed my grade 4 exam and it was partially this that made me certain I wanted to pursue music as a career. I started planning what university I wanted to go to so I knew what A-Levels to study and what grades I needed to get in.
I decided to study a Jazz Course at the Royal College of Music in London. It is one of the best places to study music but that comes with a very high cost! My course was going to be expensive but if I wanted to be a professional tenorsaxophonist, it was a price I had to pay. I wanted to play professionally all over the world, New York, London, New Orleans, Paris, anywhere.
As you may have gathered, I didn't study music at university. I studied Education Studies and English Language and Linguistics instead but that is a different story entirely!
In 2007, my mum and I moved to Berwick-upon-Tweed and it was the October that she gave me the ultimate surprise. For my birthday present, and for doing well in my GCSEs (which I completed in York despite moving halfway through them), she had bought me my very own tenor saxophone.
A bright red Manhattan 5, limited edition tenor saxophone. It was honestly love at first sight. Being the geek that I am, I named it Rudolph.
I studied music at GCSE level and wanted to continue this to A level but unfortunately the sixth form I attended didn't have the option of A level music. Instead I studied a National Diploma in Music Performance. Three years later and I gained a triple distinction which is equivalent to three As at A level. I also studied for my grade 5 exam. While I passed the practical, I failed the theory but I still say I'm grade 5.
I started learning to play saxophone 14 years ago. I haven't played in 4 years but I still have the original passion I first had for it. Learning to play the saxophone helped me through many dark times I faced. My parent's divorce. Being bullied in school. Relationship problems with my parents. Depression. Rejection.
It was also thanks to my saxophone lessons that I learned to control the fiery temper I inherited from my father. I learned that jazz and classical music calm me down and take me to a safer place. I discovered a talent that seperates me from my family. Being the second youngest of six children (between my mum and dad, not together) it is difficult to find a voice sometimes. Anyone who knows me will say that I never have difficulty finding my voice but its nice to have something that your siblings don't share. Other than my lack of spatial awareness or clumsiness anyway. Two of my sisters were musical but they were sporty or academic as well. Far more academic than me.
I also discovered that passion inside me that I longed for. I wasn't sporty at school, I was fairly academic but I didn't feel I was clever enough. Playing saxophone made me feel like I belonged somewhere at last. Having moved around so much, I got fed up of just being the new girl. Playing saxophone allowed me to find my identity in a world I felt I was an outsider in.
So that's how I started playing saxophone. One of the few things in life I don't regret and something I would never change.
Ciao for now!
X
The next few posts are going to focus on my favourite things to do. I'll share why I love them, how I got into certain activities and I'll try *fingers crossed* and upload photos (if I can work out how to do that because I am a bit of a technophobe!)
This post is going to focus on playing tenor saxophone.
I started playing tenor saxophone back in Year 7 (when I was 11). It was our first proper music lesson and we were told that the school had several instruments we could try out for to learn to play while we were at the school. There were several brass instruments and violins but there were two alto saxophones and a tenor saxophone.
I have always loved the way saxophones sound. They're so smooth sounding and a true icon of jazz music, in my opinion. So when the opportunity arose, I snatched up the chance to learn how to play one!
It turned out the three saxophones were a common choice but luckily for me, I was the only person who could get a note out of the tenor saxophone straight away. I was offered the chance of learning to play. Three hours later, I turned up on my doorstep with a huge case containing the Bb tenor saxophone. My mum was slightly shocked to say the least!
Several months later and my parents decided to get divorced. Not the best thing to happen anyway but when the news came that my mum and I would be moving to York. I'm not going to lie, I was heartbroken as I was absolutely sure this would be the end of my saxophone lessons. I had learned so much in a short space of time and I loved playing the saxophone. It had become my dream to play professionally.
We moved to York and I started yet another new school. It took a few weeks but the music department were able to buy a tenor saxophone which they let me borrow while I was attending the school. I started my lessons again and fell back in love with the instrument.
Around a year after I first started playing in York, I began to join bands. I became a member of York Youth Jazz Band as well as the school's jazz, concert and wind bands. I studied hard both on my academic studies and my saxophone studies and I sat my Grade 4 exam.
There are 8 musical grades. Each one requires the student to learn several scales and arpeggios and pieces of music which differ in style. To gain grade 5 and above, students also need to sit a theory exam (which is as boring as it sounds!)
I passed my grade 4 exam and it was partially this that made me certain I wanted to pursue music as a career. I started planning what university I wanted to go to so I knew what A-Levels to study and what grades I needed to get in.
I decided to study a Jazz Course at the Royal College of Music in London. It is one of the best places to study music but that comes with a very high cost! My course was going to be expensive but if I wanted to be a professional tenorsaxophonist, it was a price I had to pay. I wanted to play professionally all over the world, New York, London, New Orleans, Paris, anywhere.
As you may have gathered, I didn't study music at university. I studied Education Studies and English Language and Linguistics instead but that is a different story entirely!
In 2007, my mum and I moved to Berwick-upon-Tweed and it was the October that she gave me the ultimate surprise. For my birthday present, and for doing well in my GCSEs (which I completed in York despite moving halfway through them), she had bought me my very own tenor saxophone.
A bright red Manhattan 5, limited edition tenor saxophone. It was honestly love at first sight. Being the geek that I am, I named it Rudolph.
I studied music at GCSE level and wanted to continue this to A level but unfortunately the sixth form I attended didn't have the option of A level music. Instead I studied a National Diploma in Music Performance. Three years later and I gained a triple distinction which is equivalent to three As at A level. I also studied for my grade 5 exam. While I passed the practical, I failed the theory but I still say I'm grade 5.
I started learning to play saxophone 14 years ago. I haven't played in 4 years but I still have the original passion I first had for it. Learning to play the saxophone helped me through many dark times I faced. My parent's divorce. Being bullied in school. Relationship problems with my parents. Depression. Rejection.
It was also thanks to my saxophone lessons that I learned to control the fiery temper I inherited from my father. I learned that jazz and classical music calm me down and take me to a safer place. I discovered a talent that seperates me from my family. Being the second youngest of six children (between my mum and dad, not together) it is difficult to find a voice sometimes. Anyone who knows me will say that I never have difficulty finding my voice but its nice to have something that your siblings don't share. Other than my lack of spatial awareness or clumsiness anyway. Two of my sisters were musical but they were sporty or academic as well. Far more academic than me.
I also discovered that passion inside me that I longed for. I wasn't sporty at school, I was fairly academic but I didn't feel I was clever enough. Playing saxophone made me feel like I belonged somewhere at last. Having moved around so much, I got fed up of just being the new girl. Playing saxophone allowed me to find my identity in a world I felt I was an outsider in.
So that's how I started playing saxophone. One of the few things in life I don't regret and something I would never change.
Ciao for now!
X
Saturday 13 June 2015
The Four Things Tag...
So I have finally got round to replacing my laptop and I have bought a tablet. Well, I used some of my incentive points from work to buy it but it is basically the same thing!
My best friend Claire (over at www.geniusvsbeauty.blogspot.com) recently did this 4 things tag so I thought I would steal it and do it as well! Check out her blog - she regularly posts and she writes about her passions including history and reading.
Four Places that I have lived:
This is a tough decision. I have moved around a lot so I have picked the four places I lived the most/the longest
1. York
2. Reston, Scottish Borders
3. Lowick, Northumberland
4. Edinburgh (where I currently live)
Four Jobs I have had:
1. Conference and Banqueting Assistant
2. Housekeeping Assistant
3. Bartender
4. Food and Beverage Assistant
Four Things I Don't Eat:
1. Brussel Sprouts
2. Olives
3. Blueberries
4. Cream
Four of my Favourite Foods:
1. My Mum's lasagne
2. Chicken Casear Salad
3. Pepperoni Pizza
4. My Dad's beef curry (which actually uses my Mum's recipe!)
Four Movies I've Seen More Than Once:
1. Pretty Woman
2. All the X-Men films
3. Chicago
4. Evita
Four TV Shows I Watch (still running):
1. Doctor Who
2. Holby City
3. The Big Bang Theory
4. EastEnders
Four TV Shows I Watch (ended):
1. Friends
2. Torchwood
3. Glee
4. Charmed
Four Things I'm Looking Forward to This Year:
1. Doctor Who Exhibition in Cardiff
2. Cardiff summer holiday with my best friend
3. Speedway Finals
4. Seeing family
Four Websites I Visit Daily:
1. BBC education news
2. Facebook
3. Gmail
4. Online Banking
Four Things I Can't Live Without:
1. My music
2. Big Ted
3. My phone
4. My lucky necklace
Four Places I've Visited:
1. Brittany, France
2. The Pyranees, Spain
3. Italy
4. Cornwall
Four Pet Peeves:
1. Bad spelling
2. Rudeness
3. Bad manners
4. Obnoxious people
Four Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Travel the world
2. Play saxophone in Jools Holland's orchestra
3. Act professionally
4. Achieve my dreams
Four Subjects I Studied at School:
1. Music
2. English Language
3. French
4. German
Four Things Near Me Now:
1. My phone
2. Big Ted
3. My cigarettes
4. Diet Coke
Four Names People Call Me Other than my Name:
1. Sez
2. Shorty
3. Amy (my mum is forever calling me by my niece's name)
4. Sahara
Ciao for now
X
My best friend Claire (over at www.geniusvsbeauty.blogspot.com) recently did this 4 things tag so I thought I would steal it and do it as well! Check out her blog - she regularly posts and she writes about her passions including history and reading.
Four Places that I have lived:
This is a tough decision. I have moved around a lot so I have picked the four places I lived the most/the longest
1. York
2. Reston, Scottish Borders
3. Lowick, Northumberland
4. Edinburgh (where I currently live)
Four Jobs I have had:
1. Conference and Banqueting Assistant
2. Housekeeping Assistant
3. Bartender
4. Food and Beverage Assistant
Four Things I Don't Eat:
1. Brussel Sprouts
2. Olives
3. Blueberries
4. Cream
Four of my Favourite Foods:
1. My Mum's lasagne
2. Chicken Casear Salad
3. Pepperoni Pizza
4. My Dad's beef curry (which actually uses my Mum's recipe!)
Four Movies I've Seen More Than Once:
1. Pretty Woman
2. All the X-Men films
3. Chicago
4. Evita
Four TV Shows I Watch (still running):
1. Doctor Who
2. Holby City
3. The Big Bang Theory
4. EastEnders
Four TV Shows I Watch (ended):
1. Friends
2. Torchwood
3. Glee
4. Charmed
Four Things I'm Looking Forward to This Year:
1. Doctor Who Exhibition in Cardiff
2. Cardiff summer holiday with my best friend
3. Speedway Finals
4. Seeing family
Four Websites I Visit Daily:
1. BBC education news
2. Facebook
3. Gmail
4. Online Banking
Four Things I Can't Live Without:
1. My music
2. Big Ted
3. My phone
4. My lucky necklace
Four Places I've Visited:
1. Brittany, France
2. The Pyranees, Spain
3. Italy
4. Cornwall
Four Pet Peeves:
1. Bad spelling
2. Rudeness
3. Bad manners
4. Obnoxious people
Four Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Travel the world
2. Play saxophone in Jools Holland's orchestra
3. Act professionally
4. Achieve my dreams
Four Subjects I Studied at School:
1. Music
2. English Language
3. French
4. German
Four Things Near Me Now:
1. My phone
2. Big Ted
3. My cigarettes
4. Diet Coke
Four Names People Call Me Other than my Name:
1. Sez
2. Shorty
3. Amy (my mum is forever calling me by my niece's name)
4. Sahara
Ciao for now
X
Monday 11 May 2015
Acceptance...
People say that acceptance is the first step on the long road to recovery. What they neglect to tell you is that acceptance is also one of the hardest things to do.
It has recently become apparent to me that sometimes, I have difficulty dealing with some of my more personal issues. I'm not completely stupid. I am aware that I have problems with regards to how I cope emotionally along with other things.
One example that comes to mind is my slight OCD tendencies. Whenever I walk up or down stairs I count them without realising. I get some strange looks from people I work with which is always interesting! I have also started to randomly count steps I take normally, usually from the bar to the restaurant within the hotel that I work in.
Accepting that I have some OCD tendencies is difficult, especially when I am completely unaware that I am doing it. However, this is not the hardest part of my life that I have to learn to accept.
By accepting that I do not cope with my issues reinforces the dreadful feeling of failure that I have to contend with every day. I am 24 years old, I live in a city where I have no family and the friends I do have here are the people I work with, meaning I rarely do anything on my days off. I have an Honours degree in Education Studies and English Language and Linguistics and yet, I am working at a minimum wage level job.
However, I love my job. I get to interact with a wide variety of people both guests and my colleagues. There are several days when I do feel like I am wasting my degree but as my very wise mother keeps telling, I am good at what I do and I enjoy it.
By accepting my issues, does this then enable me to move on from the past? Does it mean I will lose the person I have become because of the things that happened to me in the past? Or does it mean I will be able to evolve into a new person?
This then raises the question of how best to accept? I have friends who just sit and talk everything through and this then allows them to accept it. However, this does not work for me as I feel like I am just burdening other people with my problems.
I used to find acceptance while playing tenor saxophone. Something about playing the instrument and creating music just helped somehow. Unfortunately I haven't played in five and half years so it isn't something I immediately think of nowadays.
Maybe the answer lies within my creative writing...
It has recently become apparent to me that sometimes, I have difficulty dealing with some of my more personal issues. I'm not completely stupid. I am aware that I have problems with regards to how I cope emotionally along with other things.
One example that comes to mind is my slight OCD tendencies. Whenever I walk up or down stairs I count them without realising. I get some strange looks from people I work with which is always interesting! I have also started to randomly count steps I take normally, usually from the bar to the restaurant within the hotel that I work in.
Accepting that I have some OCD tendencies is difficult, especially when I am completely unaware that I am doing it. However, this is not the hardest part of my life that I have to learn to accept.
By accepting that I do not cope with my issues reinforces the dreadful feeling of failure that I have to contend with every day. I am 24 years old, I live in a city where I have no family and the friends I do have here are the people I work with, meaning I rarely do anything on my days off. I have an Honours degree in Education Studies and English Language and Linguistics and yet, I am working at a minimum wage level job.
However, I love my job. I get to interact with a wide variety of people both guests and my colleagues. There are several days when I do feel like I am wasting my degree but as my very wise mother keeps telling, I am good at what I do and I enjoy it.
By accepting my issues, does this then enable me to move on from the past? Does it mean I will lose the person I have become because of the things that happened to me in the past? Or does it mean I will be able to evolve into a new person?
This then raises the question of how best to accept? I have friends who just sit and talk everything through and this then allows them to accept it. However, this does not work for me as I feel like I am just burdening other people with my problems.
I used to find acceptance while playing tenor saxophone. Something about playing the instrument and creating music just helped somehow. Unfortunately I haven't played in five and half years so it isn't something I immediately think of nowadays.
Maybe the answer lies within my creative writing...
Thursday 9 April 2015
Out of Sight...
Out of Sight
So much noise that only I can hear,
Building up from past years,
All the time in the world,
And yet so scared, like a little girl.
Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.
Cursed to always look behind,
Stuck in the prison of my mind,
Yearning to at last be free,
Back to the girl I used to be,
Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.
Away from this endless night,
And finally stepping into the light,
Back to a time I didn't let you down,
Why can't I get it right now?
Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.
All I want is to see you proud,
But the noise is so loud,
How to make it right?
And find the strength to fight?
Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.
Longing for the noise to cease,
Dying to keep the peace,
Destined to be the little girl,
Who needs saving from the world.
Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.
One day I will be strong,
Like you have been for so long,
I'm sorry but it's just so hard,
I wish your life wasn't so scarred,
Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.
You know I'll never stop loving you,
It's because of you that I've got through,
The rough times we've encountered and seen,
You're the best person you could have been.
Out of sight but never from my mind,
If only our time together could unwind.
You always taught me life isn't fair,
But I'm stuck in an endless nightmare,
No one to blame but myself,
Always the one left on the shelf.
Out of sight, out of mind,
Maybe it's too late for time to unwind.
So much noise that only I can hear,
Building up from past years,
All the time in the world,
And yet so scared, like a little girl.
Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.
Cursed to always look behind,
Stuck in the prison of my mind,
Yearning to at last be free,
Back to the girl I used to be,
Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.
Away from this endless night,
And finally stepping into the light,
Back to a time I didn't let you down,
Why can't I get it right now?
Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.
All I want is to see you proud,
But the noise is so loud,
How to make it right?
And find the strength to fight?
Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.
Longing for the noise to cease,
Dying to keep the peace,
Destined to be the little girl,
Who needs saving from the world.
Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.
One day I will be strong,
Like you have been for so long,
I'm sorry but it's just so hard,
I wish your life wasn't so scarred,
Out of sight, out of mind,
If only time could unwind.
You know I'll never stop loving you,
It's because of you that I've got through,
The rough times we've encountered and seen,
You're the best person you could have been.
Out of sight but never from my mind,
If only our time together could unwind.
You always taught me life isn't fair,
But I'm stuck in an endless nightmare,
No one to blame but myself,
Always the one left on the shelf.
Out of sight, out of mind,
Maybe it's too late for time to unwind.
Monday 6 April 2015
TMI Travel Tag...
1. What was the last country you visited?
Last country I visited was.....Mallorca with my best friend Claire. We went in 2013 and it was the first time I have ever flown in an aeroplane! It was such a weird feeling when we took off and I've fairly sure I nearly broke Claire's hand during it.
I have been to Spain, Italy, France, Ireland, England, Scotland so um...6
I would have to say France. I love the language and their food. I went to France a lot as child with my Mum, mainly to Brittany. My first proper family holiday was to Disneyland Paris where I went with my Mum, Dad and my younger sister. I would love to live there someday!
4. Favourite place in your home country?
Wow, that is a tough one. I've visited so many places in the UK. I would have to say its between York and Edinburgh. I lived in York a total of 3 times for approximately 9 years, hence the slight Yorkshire twang to my accent. I love York because of how historical it is. My favourite place was the Museum Gardens where I did revision for my GCSEs, wrote part of my dissertation for university and read several books during my time there. However, I currently live in Edinburgh and it reminds me so much of York except its in my home country of Scotland.
5. If you could board a plane now, where would you go?
I would go to New York. Since I was a young girl, I have always wanted to go to New York. It is such a vibrant city with so much culture. Growing up, I wanted to be an actress on Broadway but it was to be a dream that I wouldn't achieve.
Ooo, or I would go to New Orleans! As a tenor saxophonist, I adore jazz music and New Orleans is famous for its jazz both nowadays and in history.
Well, I burn far too easily so tropical island is off. I love the snow but I have zero balance so I guess it would have to be city exploring!
7. What are your top 3 hand luggage must-haves?
I must have my Iphone with my music, especially if it involves flying! I'm not sure other than that. I guess my sunglasses are a must if I have contact lenses in and if its somewhere sunny, I have to have a lot of suncream!
8. Any travel tips to share?
Travelling with a friend is always much more fun than travelling alone! I would also suggest trying to get involved with some of the culture of the country. As for me, I love learning languages so I try to learn some of the native language as well when I go somewhere new. Even here in the UK, I try to learn local slang and local dialects.
9. Most embarrassing moment abroad.
Oh gosh. Um...in Mallorca with Claire, she let me fall asleep on the sun loungers and I got badly sunburnt on my legs. When I woke up, I could hardly move and whenever I tried to go into the pool to cool my legs down, I let out a tiny, very girly scream! Later that night, when I was sleeping, so Claire tells me, I started mumbling in my sleep and told her I would meet her by the orange sun loungers before accidentally slapping her in the face! Weird thing being the sun loungers at the hotel were blue!
I'm not sure I've ever really been disappointed on my travels. I guess Disneyland Paris wasn't the best holiday. I was too small to go on the roller coasters by myself but neither my parents would come on with me as my mum is petrified of heights and my dad isn't very good with them either. It was also during that holiday I found out my parents were getting divorced.
Going to Marine-Land or Marine-World (can't remember what it's called) while in Mallorca was really good! I loved seeing the dolphins performing and it was just amazing!
12. Three places at the tip of the travel bucket list.
New York, Rome and Antarctica. Don't ask about Antarctica!
I don't really know. I vaguely remember trying horse when I was younger but I can't remember if I liked it. I do remember trying Croque Monsieurs while in France and adored them!
14. Why do you travel?
I love going to new places and getting involved with other cultures. Also, because I've moved around so much, travelling is kind of the same but without the hassle of carting all my belongings around!
15. What 3 things would you take on holiday/going travelling if you could?
I would definitely take my sketchpad so I could draw my new surroundings. I'd also take a TARDIS with me so I could travel back in time as well as around the world! And finally, I'd take my best friends Claire, Tanya and Helena with me :)
Well, people from work have told me I use "alright" a lot from York. I also use quite a lot of slang from Berwick-upon-Tweed, such as "Mortal" for drunk. Other than that, I use the occasionally French phrase but nothing else that comes to mind.
17. What two places would you not go back to and why?
I would definitely go back to Paris, not just Disneyland but the whole city. I recently discovered I love the adrenaline rush from roller coasters so the chance to go to Disneyland would be amazing!
I would also go back to the Pyrenees. I went there on a camping trip with Scouts when I was 13 and it was truly an amazing experience. I went absailing, rock climbing, into caves and just some amazing things.
My dream travel companion would have to be someone who shared my love for travelling and culture. Someone open minded and someone who wanted to experience new things! So far, I've only travelled with family or my friend Claire.
19. Most surreal travel moment.
I would definitely say my first time flying was surreal! It was such a weird feeling when we took off. I had no idea what to expect and apart from nearly breaking Claire's hand, it was amazing. I loved it when we flew over some mountains (I can't remember which ones) and the view was spectacular!I don't have three people to tag :( But I will tag another of my best friends, the lovely and amazing Tanya :)tanyasteaparty.blogspot.co.uk |
Monday 2 March 2015
Endless Possibilities...
So the past few weeks I have spent most of my time working! Though in my spare time I have been trying to perfect my drawing skills. I seem to be getting much better at drawing flowers and hearts. However, I have managed to nearly perfect my tattoo design. I want a butterfly with "Learn to fly and Dare to Dream" on my back. It may seem strange but it reminds me that sometimes, dreaming is the best way to fly. By flying you can enable yourself to be free.
In other news, I have successfully lost 4.8kg!! :D Just another 29.2kg to go before I hit my target weight but clearly I am doing something right so I will keep it up! I've tried to start running again but its not going so well. I managed to run 15 minutes but that has been it. I've been working a lot so not really had much time to sort out going for a run when it hasn't been absolutely pissing it down! I've also been struggling with a bit of a sniffle the last week or so as well :(
I received an e-mail about a job within the Scottish Parliament relating to Education. It seems ideal. Two days a week so I can still work at the hotel full time. Its not the exact area of educational politics that I want to go into but it is a foot in the door type of thing. I'm still in two minds about whether or not to apply to be honest. I know there will be so many more people who apply that will be far more suitable but part of me thinks I should just apply anyway. I mean, you never know right?
Anyway, I'd best go and get on with this application and stuff so....
Ciao! x
In other news, I have successfully lost 4.8kg!! :D Just another 29.2kg to go before I hit my target weight but clearly I am doing something right so I will keep it up! I've tried to start running again but its not going so well. I managed to run 15 minutes but that has been it. I've been working a lot so not really had much time to sort out going for a run when it hasn't been absolutely pissing it down! I've also been struggling with a bit of a sniffle the last week or so as well :(
I received an e-mail about a job within the Scottish Parliament relating to Education. It seems ideal. Two days a week so I can still work at the hotel full time. Its not the exact area of educational politics that I want to go into but it is a foot in the door type of thing. I'm still in two minds about whether or not to apply to be honest. I know there will be so many more people who apply that will be far more suitable but part of me thinks I should just apply anyway. I mean, you never know right?
Anyway, I'd best go and get on with this application and stuff so....
Ciao! x
Wednesday 4 February 2015
Creative Outlet...
Hey! So when I started this blog, I said I was going to use it to offload my creative writing whether it was song lyrics, poems, story ideas or anything else that came to mind.
I have recently restarted writing my novel. Those who know me well will know how much I love the English Language and I love writing. Creative writing was in my top 3 favourite things to do in high school - the others being French and Music.
Well, here is an extract from my novel. I'm only onto chapter three so I still have a long way to go but all good things come to those who wait right?
I hope you like it. The novel is about a guy who notices a young girl on a train. It later transpires that the young girl has run away from home but also from her predatory stepfather. She is on a journey to find both herself and also to discover the truth about what happened to her older sister. It tells the story of how the young girl finds the strength to overcome her fears but also how she learns that sometimes, trusting people isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is full of heartache and emotion but I hope people will like it.
'It was mid-afternoon when he noticed her. In late autumn, the leaves had changed to their golden browns and bright auburn colours and had begun to fall from their safe haven of the trees. The sun was bright in the sky and there was a cold crisp in the air. The young girl sat a few seats away on the opposite side of the train to the man. Her pink Converse trainers were tapping along to whatever music it was she was listening to. The Converse had a set of rainbow coloured laces. On the girl’s left foot was a single heart bead on the lace nearest her toes in a glittered ruby red colour. On her right foot were three square white beads with the letters “AME” on the lace. The man presumed this was probably a nickname by which the young girl was known by. She was wearing a pair of light, stonewashed denim shorts that showed off her slender, athletic but pale white legs. As the young girl looked up and their eyes met, the man diverted his gaze into the rather boring field they were passing.
I have recently restarted writing my novel. Those who know me well will know how much I love the English Language and I love writing. Creative writing was in my top 3 favourite things to do in high school - the others being French and Music.
Well, here is an extract from my novel. I'm only onto chapter three so I still have a long way to go but all good things come to those who wait right?
I hope you like it. The novel is about a guy who notices a young girl on a train. It later transpires that the young girl has run away from home but also from her predatory stepfather. She is on a journey to find both herself and also to discover the truth about what happened to her older sister. It tells the story of how the young girl finds the strength to overcome her fears but also how she learns that sometimes, trusting people isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is full of heartache and emotion but I hope people will like it.
'It was mid-afternoon when he noticed her. In late autumn, the leaves had changed to their golden browns and bright auburn colours and had begun to fall from their safe haven of the trees. The sun was bright in the sky and there was a cold crisp in the air. The young girl sat a few seats away on the opposite side of the train to the man. Her pink Converse trainers were tapping along to whatever music it was she was listening to. The Converse had a set of rainbow coloured laces. On the girl’s left foot was a single heart bead on the lace nearest her toes in a glittered ruby red colour. On her right foot were three square white beads with the letters “AME” on the lace. The man presumed this was probably a nickname by which the young girl was known by. She was wearing a pair of light, stonewashed denim shorts that showed off her slender, athletic but pale white legs. As the young girl looked up and their eyes met, the man diverted his gaze into the rather boring field they were passing.
Once he noticed that she had
continued looking at her lap, the man continued to observe the young girl. He
usually avoided people, especially young teenagers, as much as possible. In his
career, he had learnt that people were cruel and the best way to avoid any
negativity was to just avoid people unless absolutely necessary. For some
reason, this young girl, who was a complete stranger to the man, was
fascinating to him. She wore a white t-shirt with a band’s logo that he
recognised from currently being in the charts. He suspected it was the same
band that seemed to be blaring from her headphones. However, it wasn’t until he
looked at her face that he noticed truly how young she appeared and he felt a
sense of panic rising from the pit of his stomach. As she took a drink from a
small vodka bottle, the man felt himself calming slightly. If she was drinking
as casually as that in public, then she can’t have been as young as she seemed.
The thin fingers that were clenched around the vodka bottle reminded the man of
a piano teacher that he had once lived next door to. He smiled to himself as he
remembered the weird smell combination of cats and port that used to come from
the piano teacher’s house.
Soft auburn curls fell from her
head and slightly covered her small pale face. As she raised her head, he
noticed how sad her eyes looked along with the few freckles that were scattered
across her nose and cheeks. He gave her a soft smile as their eyes briefly met
before her eyes went wide like a deer caught in the headlights. She quickly
turned her head away, her pale pink lips moving as though she were talking to
someone. She began rummaging around in her bag as the man felt a pang of
sadness and guilt. A small feeling of pity joined the guilt and sadness as the
young girl pulled out a pale grey hooded jumper. He could see what looked like
pale scars on her thin arms as she put the jumper on. The hood went over her
curls as the man began to feel more concerned about her. He realised how
strange it was that he was concerned about a complete stranger, someone he had
never even spoken to and had only observed for no longer than half an hour. It
made him think about being a father and how protective he was going to be over
his unborn child when he felt this concerned for a young girl he’d never met.'
I hope you like it!
Ciao x
Sunday 25 January 2015
A Bit of Me Time Tagging...
1 . What do you watch or read during me-time?
My friends and family will know I have a slight addiction to Doctor Who! I usually watch Doctor Who or the Big Bang Theory during "Me-Time" but I have recently started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I love reading, I'm currently reading The Hunger Games that my good friend got me for Christmas.
2. What do you wear during me-time?
My PJs usually!
3. What are your me-time beauty products?
Um...I'm not really a beauty product type of girl....I mean I recently started using cucumber but I don't think it counts as a beauty product as its in gin and tonic :/
4. Current favourite nail polish?
As a Food and Beverage Assistant, I'm not allowed to wear nail varnish. Plus I bite my nails so I never have any nails to paint but if/when I ever do wear it I love dark purple or I have a very nice shimmery turquoise that is lovely!
5. What do you eat or drink during me-time?
As previously mentioned, I enjoy gin and tonic during me time. I also enjoy a good cup of tea!
6. Current favourite candle?
I don't tend to use candles but my housemate has some lovely apple scented ones that are very nice.
7. Do you ever have outdoor me-time?
Yeah, I used to love randomly walking on the beach when I used to live near it. Nowadays I sit on my balcony while reading.
8. Would you ever go see a movie alone?
I went to see the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by myself because no one would go with me :(
9. Favourite online shop?
Ebay, Amazon or any shoe shop!!
10. Anything to add? What else do you do during me-time?
I love writing, I'm currently writing a book as mentioned in previous blog posts. I also play saxophone (which I haven't done for a while!) but I also enjoy composing music when inspiration hits me. I've started trying to sketch but I'm not very good at it. I have also been known to bake the odd batch of cupcakes for my friends and for people I work with - despite not being able to eat them myself!
So, thanks Tanya (over at Tanya's Tea Party) for the nomination! I don't really have anyone else to nominate though as I don't know anyone else who writes a blog that would do this :/
Hope you enjoyed!
Ciao x
My friends and family will know I have a slight addiction to Doctor Who! I usually watch Doctor Who or the Big Bang Theory during "Me-Time" but I have recently started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I love reading, I'm currently reading The Hunger Games that my good friend got me for Christmas.
2. What do you wear during me-time?
My PJs usually!
3. What are your me-time beauty products?
Um...I'm not really a beauty product type of girl....I mean I recently started using cucumber but I don't think it counts as a beauty product as its in gin and tonic :/
4. Current favourite nail polish?
As a Food and Beverage Assistant, I'm not allowed to wear nail varnish. Plus I bite my nails so I never have any nails to paint but if/when I ever do wear it I love dark purple or I have a very nice shimmery turquoise that is lovely!
5. What do you eat or drink during me-time?
As previously mentioned, I enjoy gin and tonic during me time. I also enjoy a good cup of tea!
6. Current favourite candle?
I don't tend to use candles but my housemate has some lovely apple scented ones that are very nice.
7. Do you ever have outdoor me-time?
Yeah, I used to love randomly walking on the beach when I used to live near it. Nowadays I sit on my balcony while reading.
8. Would you ever go see a movie alone?
I went to see the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by myself because no one would go with me :(
9. Favourite online shop?
Ebay, Amazon or any shoe shop!!
10. Anything to add? What else do you do during me-time?
I love writing, I'm currently writing a book as mentioned in previous blog posts. I also play saxophone (which I haven't done for a while!) but I also enjoy composing music when inspiration hits me. I've started trying to sketch but I'm not very good at it. I have also been known to bake the odd batch of cupcakes for my friends and for people I work with - despite not being able to eat them myself!
So, thanks Tanya (over at Tanya's Tea Party) for the nomination! I don't really have anyone else to nominate though as I don't know anyone else who writes a blog that would do this :/
Hope you enjoyed!
Ciao x
Thursday 22 January 2015
Long Time No Posts...
Wow it's been a while!!!
So what's new? Well I am now living in the lovely city of Edinburgh!! I'm working in a hotel (surprise surprise) but loving it at the moment. I'm still single but I feel like I've returned to the bubbly girl I used to be. I don't feel as bad now about the breakup because it was the right thing to do as we weren't happy together anymore and we would have ended up killing each other.
I've learnt many things since my last post. I've learnt that being single and being alone are two totally different things. I am not alone. I have my amazing family. I have some awesome friends who have been there for me through so much.
I've also learnt that the saying 'if at first you don't succeed, try try again' is so true!! I failed my driving test the first time round due to my complete ditziness - I refused to go into first gear at junctions for some reason and ended up stalling as I came out of a junction which got me an automatic fail. I am planning on resorting it in the near future though!!
I've decided that I do want to do my Masters and I've decided I want to do the MSc in Education Studies at the university of Edinburgh. What this may lead to I'm still undecided. I want to go down the politics route still but I'm not sure if I would be able to handle it. But as a very wise person keeps telling (yes Mum I'm talking about you) I'm still young and have ages to decide what I want to do.
So that's about it in terms of what's new. Oh wait no I nearly forgot! I'm moving in with one of my best friends and her sister in April :) which will be amazing!! I am so looking forward to it!
Anyway I'll try not to leave it so long next time!
Ciao for now x
So what's new? Well I am now living in the lovely city of Edinburgh!! I'm working in a hotel (surprise surprise) but loving it at the moment. I'm still single but I feel like I've returned to the bubbly girl I used to be. I don't feel as bad now about the breakup because it was the right thing to do as we weren't happy together anymore and we would have ended up killing each other.
I've learnt many things since my last post. I've learnt that being single and being alone are two totally different things. I am not alone. I have my amazing family. I have some awesome friends who have been there for me through so much.
I've also learnt that the saying 'if at first you don't succeed, try try again' is so true!! I failed my driving test the first time round due to my complete ditziness - I refused to go into first gear at junctions for some reason and ended up stalling as I came out of a junction which got me an automatic fail. I am planning on resorting it in the near future though!!
I've decided that I do want to do my Masters and I've decided I want to do the MSc in Education Studies at the university of Edinburgh. What this may lead to I'm still undecided. I want to go down the politics route still but I'm not sure if I would be able to handle it. But as a very wise person keeps telling (yes Mum I'm talking about you) I'm still young and have ages to decide what I want to do.
So that's about it in terms of what's new. Oh wait no I nearly forgot! I'm moving in with one of my best friends and her sister in April :) which will be amazing!! I am so looking forward to it!
Anyway I'll try not to leave it so long next time!
Ciao for now x
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