All Good Things Must Come To An End....

So last week my boyfriend and I decided that we should break up. It was completely mutual decision. We've been arguing a lot for a while and we just seem to get on better as friends. We're still going to be good friends and ultimately, this is the best decision.

However, the past 9 days have been the hardest. The combination of losing my long term boyfriend (6 years, 3 months to the day), stress of uni and doing two jobs as well as losing someone who became an amazing friend to me created an emotional wreak.

I went into work and snapped at everyone and if I wasn't snapping, I was crying. I've never gone through a break-up before. He was my only boyfriend and I love him. I always will. People keep telling me that there's plenty more fish in the sea and that I'm only 22 and got my whole life ahead of me. I know its true but that doesn't stop it hurting as much as it does.

I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted to move in with him, get married, have a couple of kids. Yes I am only 22 but that doesn't mean that I can't think about the future. I want to be a mum and I wanted to share that experience with him.

I've stopped crying at the moment, I just seem to be numb. Despite being diabetic, my chocolate consumption has increased slightly. Chocolate is good for break-ups though isn't it??? I have thoughts that just keep circling round my head - was it me? Could I have done more? What's wrong with me? Am I not good enough for him anymore? Has he realised he can do better?

I know its not that but I can't stop thinking it. I need to go home and be with my family. Its times like these that you realise who is really there for you. I have and I won't forget who has supported me. I'm not sure what the future holds at the moment. I'm concentrating on my career - graduate, go and do a Masters, move to Edinburgh or London and go into politics. Yes, that's the plan - watch this space!

Back to My Roots...

So yesterday Mum and I went to a Postgraduate Open Day at Glasgow Uni. I can definitely see me studying there for a year. The uni itself was amazing. It consists of old buildings and despite being in the centre of the city, its quiet and has a relaxed atmosphere. We only stayed half an hour. I asked what masters I should be doing if I want to go into eductional politics (and eventually become Secretary of State for Education fingers crossed) - should it be MSc Educational Studies or a politics based one. They suggested writing to the Government and asking for their opinion. However, I can't see Michael Gove enjoying that letter!

I am also eligible for funding to cover my tuition fees due to being Scottish by 1). birth and 2). descend (my Dad's Scottish) so that made me very very happy!!

Mum shopped till she dropped after that - I was just the bag mule :/

In other news, I've finally heard from the "Gene Therapy" unit. I now have to fill out a huge form giving them every little detail of my life, my Mum's life and every other member of my family's life. Guess I'll need to wait until my Mum's free to finish that one then :/

I'm extremely behind on my uni work so I guess I'd better get back to it :( The problem with having two jobs I guess!

As the Leaves Fall...

Now that it's getting darker at night I have decided to start running again. A good friend of mine has given me plenty of advice and has told me that she'll help me with my snacking issues, all I have to do is text her. She's been losing weight since I've known her and she's done amazingly. She's ran in various long distance runs, including the Great North Run and while I can't see me doing that, I would like to be able to be where she is in terms of weight.

I have also decided to start a food diary, as I think this will help me a bit. Oh, and having breakfast (something I never do!) as it starts your metabolism quicker or something but also I am actually diabetic (only Type 2 mind) and I keep getting lectures from both my doctor and my Mum about breakfast.

So, today I am having a bowl of "Strawberry Crisp" cereal with a cup of coffee. Lunch will be a salad with a bit of dressing on. And finally, tea will be a vegetarian lasagna I have in the freezer from when I used to be veggie.

I've got a cold and a bad chesty cough at the moment so not sure when to start running. I'm at work today so I'll see how I feel after that and my trip to the library to get some work done as I am now into week 7 of uni and I still haven't really done much :/

Last Day of 21

So today is my last day of 21. 22 tomorrow.

This is the first year where I'm still not that bothered about my birthday tomorrow. I got my first birthday card through the post today and judging from the writing, its from my Mum.

Going home on Saturday and to be honest, I cannot wait. I've never really been homesick as such but the last few months, I've just wanted to be at home with my Mum's home cooking and seeing my family. I cannot wait to see my sister and my brother and their kids.

I had a great night out Friday night, my housemates left early which ruined it slightly as I wasn't really in a party mood after that but it was still amazing. However, after looking at the photos, I am actually ashamed of how much weight I've gained the last few years. This has actually pushed me into getting into shape. I don't want to join a gym because its too expensive but I have Zumba and I think I might go to the gym with a friend once or twice a month.

The next few months worth of posts will let you know how I'm getting on.

Old Habits Die Young...

I've recently been trying to stop some of my old habits. and some are proving easier to "give up" than others. My main bad habits are:

- Biting my nails
- Messy room (Or an organised mess as I like to call it)
- Spending far too much money!
- Comfort eating
- Sleeping a lot

I've successfully not bitten my nails for the last 3 weeks. Its a lot easier than I thought it would be this time round. My nails are definitely longer as I can actually feel them when I scratch.

Attempting to keep my room tidy is a completely different matter! I tidy it, I tell myself to keep it tidy and then a few days later.....its messy again. I don't understand how I manage it! Thinking I need to create a routine to follow that will allow me time each day to actually tidy it...

Spending far too much money isn't really an issue now as I don't have any until Thursday/Friday when I turn 22 and when I get paid.

Comfort eating....well the less said there, the better.

Sleeping a lot is much harder too. I keep trying to get up early in the morning so I can do stuff before work but I just end up hitting snooze and going back to sleep.

Definitely going to create a routine check list thing to help me!

A Daily Struggle...

Since being "diagnosed" in 2007, every day feels like an uphill struggle. I wake up every morning wishing I could close my eyes again and not open them. Every day I use every ounce of energy I have fighting against every little voice. I can't sleep properly. I'm extremely paranoid about everyone and everything. Someone says something to me as a joke and while I laugh along, inside I'm panicking. Do my friends really like me or are they just using me? Are they joking or are they serious when they say those things?

However, the last 5 years have made me question a lot of things. My mum should never have conceived me, I was a science miracle. She bravely fought breast cancer a few years before hand and the chemo made her infertile, which was okay. She'd had three children so it wasn't like she was never going to experience it. Of course, she was upset by the news but I think she was happy that she did have the chance to have my three older siblings. Then she discovered she was pregnant again, with me. We should never have made it, I should never have made it through the pregnancy but I did and nearly 22 years later, I'm still here.

After finding this out a few years ago, you would have thought this news would have made me so grateful to be on this planet. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that my Mum gave birth to me and I love her so much but there are so many times when I just wonder why? She could have had a better life without me, she could have made something of her life. She could have done anything but I held her back, since her ex-husband got custody of my brother and sisters.

My mum sacrificed a lot for me and I can never truly pay her back for that. We've moved around a lot, I'm currently in like my 18th house or something but it never mattered. We used to fight like cat and dog, and still do sometimes, but I know that she will always be there for me when I need her.

Since moving to uni, I go home (well to my Mum's) about 3/4 times a year. Much less than I would like to. Growing up, I never really spent a lot of time, compared to others, with my brother and sisters because we moved a lot but when we moved back up there in 2007, I was happy. Now, I'm back in York, where Mum and I moved from. A lot of shit went down before we moved home. Some of it was my fault. I know my Mum still blames herself but she shouldn't because it wasn't her. It did show me how much I meant to my Mum though. I was led to believe a lot of lies about her and our relationship. Just goes to show that mums are always right.

I got told a lot as a child that people were out to hut you because they were selfish. I got told not to show weakness of any kind because then people knew how to hurt you. I never believed them until bad things started happening. Then I realised that it was true - people are selfish. If someone can hurt you for whatever reason (because they're bored or they think you deserve it or anything) then they will.

If you tell someone something often enough over a long period of time, they start to believe it. When you manage to get the closest person in their lives to behave in a way which corresponds to those lies, they believe it more. And the funny thing? No matter how many professional people you talk to, it never goes away. Not really.

I'm never going to get rid of this thing now. I have to live with that and every day it gets harder and harder. I struggle finding meaning in my life. I have so many amazing friends and family and a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend and I love them all so much. But there will always be those voices that won't let me forget. That constantly play it over and over and over until I just want to scream. I haven't had a bad life so why can't I cope with things? Am I really a bad person? Do I deserve this? Is it punishment for a past life?

Fed Up :(

So I'm still feeling extremely fed up with everything. Its annoying me as well being this fed up with everything. I wake up every morning feeling the same, I think the same stuff throughout the day and at night, I'm kept awake by the annoying voices that are telling me the things I already know.

I haven't decided what to do about it yet, maybe I should bake a cake or something, that usually helps for a bit as I have something to take my mind off it all.

On the upside, I did my first Zumba at the weekend, and I love it!! Did 3 routines, 1 for each intensity and got Zumba Legend for the first 2 and Zumba Pro for the last. To say it's my first proper go on it, I was impressed.

As for work, well I'm still doing the two jobs, though I am seriously contemplating why. I know its only till January but I feel like that is a life time away at the moment. The hotel is going to be quiet for the next few weeks so at least I do have another job for then.

Uni work? Well I've not really had a chance to get any started properly. I've read about 12 pages of a textbook for my dissertation but because its science based, I need to be able to understand whats happening and because I keep trying to do it when I've come back from work, I can never concentrate fully.

Right well, I'd better get sorted for work and then uni afterwards.

Lost....

Sorry for the slow posting. I've been a bit busy working two jobs and doing my uni degree. Did 16 and a half hours yesterday (9am - 1:30am) and in work again today at half 1. Fair to say I cannot wait for my day off tomorrow.

Changed a module on my course. I've decided I'm going to go into politics in the Education sector and the module I've changed to is much more suited to this :) However, nearly everyone I've told has either laughed or not believed me, I'm trying not to take it personally but well, it's getting harder.

Feeling very very lost at the moment. I feel like everyone else is moving forwards with their lives, getting engaged or married, having kids, graduating, getting a career, moving in with their partners, even just getting a dog or something. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 6 years now and I have just started to get him to discuss moving in together. Is it because of me? I don't know, it certainly feels like it sometimes.

In terms of uni, I'm doing average. I need to get a first in order to achieve what I want to achieve. However, I'm sitting on a 2:2 at the moment so getting a first is very unlikely. I guess it's good that I know what I want to do though, majority of my friends have no idea. I know I'm going to do a Masters at York Uni but not entirely sure which one yet. I need to see my lecturer to help decide.

Had my flu jab today. Stung like a bitch, which means work is going to be fun today but at least I'm only at Boots and not the hotel as the hotel involves carrying plates of hot food etc.

Anyway, the boyfriend wants to go do something. I promise I won't take as long to post next time!

Mad or Stupid?

So its been a couple of days since my last post, thought I'd update and let everyone know the mad (and possibly rather stupid) things I've been doing. The most recent being that I've just finished a can of Relentless energy drink and I'm now sat wide awake with a 9am lecture looming and no sign of going to sleep soon. Oops.

In terms of stupid and mad things, I've bought a few things. I got an I-Pod touch. I've been wanting one for ages and decided to get one. I also got a CD full of running songs. This means that when I've been on the Zumba a few times and I'm beginning to feel a bit more confident in myself, I am going to start running (again, 3rd time lucky and all that jazz!)

I've also bought some purple Converse. I think that explains itself ;) been wanting Converse for years too. And since I do have 2 jobs at the moment, I decided that maybe I can afford to get a few things now which will last me longer than getting the cheap crap I normally do.

I've hardly bought DVDs, gone off them at the moment. Although I do need to finish my Dr Who, Torchwood, Merlin and Being Human box sets. I hate having a couple of the series instead of them all. Its one of my OCDs - probably passed on by my delightful eldest sister or my mother.

In terms of fitness, haven't really had much opportunity to do any. If I'm not at uni, I'm at one of the jobs. One the rare occasions that I do have some daytime free from uni and work, I'm sat attempting to start my dreaded dissertation :( Sad times. However, I do know exactly what I'm doing but its slightly boring and complex and considering its nearly 1am, I can't be bothered to go into it right now!

Haven't done any more to my book. Well, I've not typed any more but I've been thinking hard about how I can develop the plot and my characters more.

The main thing going through my mind this week has been the future. I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 years now and we've started talking (well I say we have, more like I've mentioned it and he's just nodded....) about the possibility of moving in together when I finish uni this year. However, its more my career which I've been struggling to decide upon. When I started my course, I had my heart set on becoming an English teacher at secondary school level. However, the last 2 years have given me the chance to think hard about it and I'm not entirely sure that being a teacher is what I want to do. I know I want to do something within the Education sector, however I think I would prefer to try and go into the political side. The obvious end path for that career is to be Secretary of State for Education (SSE) (what Michael Gove currently does) but I've had a few people (close people who know me very well) hint that I'm not the most politically minded person.

Maybe I should look into this more. Hmm.

Well its getting late (or early, depending on how you look at it) so I think I shall attempt to lose some energy by tidying my room (yet again...I swear this mess appears by itself!) Any ideas on the whole SSE thing would be appreciated!

:)

New Beginnings...

So, this is my first blog, well my first proper one. I've never really know what to say in them but I guess I'm at that part of my life where I feel like I should at least try right?

I guess the main reason I wanted to start this blog is because, since no one will probably read this, its a place where I can rant and also where I can write down ideas for the weird creative things that run through my head, such as story ideas, compositions, poems, songs etc.

I'm not sure if I'm any good but I would absolutely love to have a book published. I've been trying to write an amazing book since I was around 10 years old. I wrote one and had it sent to a publisher, however got told that since I was under 18, I was too young.

This blog will also be an outlet for me while I attempt (yet again) to lose weight and start running. I'm planning on getting a Nintendo Wii and Zumba in the next couple of days. I'm going to Spain in March area with my Mum and sister and 2 nieces. For this, I want/need to be a size 14 at the most. Since I am currently a size 18, this gives me around 6 months to go down 2 dress sizes. This should be do-able.

I can't remember a time when I wasn't "fat". I hate the term though, especially since I have family and friends who complain they're fat when they're a size 8 :/

Anyway, rant over....

I'm off to work on my "book" :)