So today is my last day of 21. 22 tomorrow.
This is the first year where I'm still not that bothered about my birthday tomorrow. I got my first birthday card through the post today and judging from the writing, its from my Mum.
Going home on Saturday and to be honest, I cannot wait. I've never really been homesick as such but the last few months, I've just wanted to be at home with my Mum's home cooking and seeing my family. I cannot wait to see my sister and my brother and their kids.
I had a great night out Friday night, my housemates left early which ruined it slightly as I wasn't really in a party mood after that but it was still amazing. However, after looking at the photos, I am actually ashamed of how much weight I've gained the last few years. This has actually pushed me into getting into shape. I don't want to join a gym because its too expensive but I have Zumba and I think I might go to the gym with a friend once or twice a month.
The next few months worth of posts will let you know how I'm getting on.
Wednesday 24 October 2012
Monday 22 October 2012
Old Habits Die Young...
I've recently been trying to stop some of my old habits. and some are proving easier to "give up" than others. My main bad habits are:
- Biting my nails
- Messy room (Or an organised mess as I like to call it)
- Spending far too much money!
- Comfort eating
- Sleeping a lot
I've successfully not bitten my nails for the last 3 weeks. Its a lot easier than I thought it would be this time round. My nails are definitely longer as I can actually feel them when I scratch.
Attempting to keep my room tidy is a completely different matter! I tidy it, I tell myself to keep it tidy and then a few days later.....its messy again. I don't understand how I manage it! Thinking I need to create a routine to follow that will allow me time each day to actually tidy it...
Spending far too much money isn't really an issue now as I don't have any until Thursday/Friday when I turn 22 and when I get paid.
Comfort eating....well the less said there, the better.
Sleeping a lot is much harder too. I keep trying to get up early in the morning so I can do stuff before work but I just end up hitting snooze and going back to sleep.
Definitely going to create a routine check list thing to help me!
- Biting my nails
- Messy room (Or an organised mess as I like to call it)
- Spending far too much money!
- Comfort eating
- Sleeping a lot
I've successfully not bitten my nails for the last 3 weeks. Its a lot easier than I thought it would be this time round. My nails are definitely longer as I can actually feel them when I scratch.
Attempting to keep my room tidy is a completely different matter! I tidy it, I tell myself to keep it tidy and then a few days later.....its messy again. I don't understand how I manage it! Thinking I need to create a routine to follow that will allow me time each day to actually tidy it...
Spending far too much money isn't really an issue now as I don't have any until Thursday/Friday when I turn 22 and when I get paid.
Comfort eating....well the less said there, the better.
Sleeping a lot is much harder too. I keep trying to get up early in the morning so I can do stuff before work but I just end up hitting snooze and going back to sleep.
Definitely going to create a routine check list thing to help me!
Wednesday 17 October 2012
A Daily Struggle...
Since being "diagnosed" in 2007, every day feels like an uphill struggle. I wake up every morning wishing I could close my eyes again and not open them. Every day I use every ounce of energy I have fighting against every little voice. I can't sleep properly. I'm extremely paranoid about everyone and everything. Someone says something to me as a joke and while I laugh along, inside I'm panicking. Do my friends really like me or are they just using me? Are they joking or are they serious when they say those things?
However, the last 5 years have made me question a lot of things. My mum should never have conceived me, I was a science miracle. She bravely fought breast cancer a few years before hand and the chemo made her infertile, which was okay. She'd had three children so it wasn't like she was never going to experience it. Of course, she was upset by the news but I think she was happy that she did have the chance to have my three older siblings. Then she discovered she was pregnant again, with me. We should never have made it, I should never have made it through the pregnancy but I did and nearly 22 years later, I'm still here.
After finding this out a few years ago, you would have thought this news would have made me so grateful to be on this planet. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that my Mum gave birth to me and I love her so much but there are so many times when I just wonder why? She could have had a better life without me, she could have made something of her life. She could have done anything but I held her back, since her ex-husband got custody of my brother and sisters.
My mum sacrificed a lot for me and I can never truly pay her back for that. We've moved around a lot, I'm currently in like my 18th house or something but it never mattered. We used to fight like cat and dog, and still do sometimes, but I know that she will always be there for me when I need her.
Since moving to uni, I go home (well to my Mum's) about 3/4 times a year. Much less than I would like to. Growing up, I never really spent a lot of time, compared to others, with my brother and sisters because we moved a lot but when we moved back up there in 2007, I was happy. Now, I'm back in York, where Mum and I moved from. A lot of shit went down before we moved home. Some of it was my fault. I know my Mum still blames herself but she shouldn't because it wasn't her. It did show me how much I meant to my Mum though. I was led to believe a lot of lies about her and our relationship. Just goes to show that mums are always right.
I got told a lot as a child that people were out to hut you because they were selfish. I got told not to show weakness of any kind because then people knew how to hurt you. I never believed them until bad things started happening. Then I realised that it was true - people are selfish. If someone can hurt you for whatever reason (because they're bored or they think you deserve it or anything) then they will.
If you tell someone something often enough over a long period of time, they start to believe it. When you manage to get the closest person in their lives to behave in a way which corresponds to those lies, they believe it more. And the funny thing? No matter how many professional people you talk to, it never goes away. Not really.
I'm never going to get rid of this thing now. I have to live with that and every day it gets harder and harder. I struggle finding meaning in my life. I have so many amazing friends and family and a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend and I love them all so much. But there will always be those voices that won't let me forget. That constantly play it over and over and over until I just want to scream. I haven't had a bad life so why can't I cope with things? Am I really a bad person? Do I deserve this? Is it punishment for a past life?
However, the last 5 years have made me question a lot of things. My mum should never have conceived me, I was a science miracle. She bravely fought breast cancer a few years before hand and the chemo made her infertile, which was okay. She'd had three children so it wasn't like she was never going to experience it. Of course, she was upset by the news but I think she was happy that she did have the chance to have my three older siblings. Then she discovered she was pregnant again, with me. We should never have made it, I should never have made it through the pregnancy but I did and nearly 22 years later, I'm still here.
After finding this out a few years ago, you would have thought this news would have made me so grateful to be on this planet. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that my Mum gave birth to me and I love her so much but there are so many times when I just wonder why? She could have had a better life without me, she could have made something of her life. She could have done anything but I held her back, since her ex-husband got custody of my brother and sisters.
My mum sacrificed a lot for me and I can never truly pay her back for that. We've moved around a lot, I'm currently in like my 18th house or something but it never mattered. We used to fight like cat and dog, and still do sometimes, but I know that she will always be there for me when I need her.
Since moving to uni, I go home (well to my Mum's) about 3/4 times a year. Much less than I would like to. Growing up, I never really spent a lot of time, compared to others, with my brother and sisters because we moved a lot but when we moved back up there in 2007, I was happy. Now, I'm back in York, where Mum and I moved from. A lot of shit went down before we moved home. Some of it was my fault. I know my Mum still blames herself but she shouldn't because it wasn't her. It did show me how much I meant to my Mum though. I was led to believe a lot of lies about her and our relationship. Just goes to show that mums are always right.
I got told a lot as a child that people were out to hut you because they were selfish. I got told not to show weakness of any kind because then people knew how to hurt you. I never believed them until bad things started happening. Then I realised that it was true - people are selfish. If someone can hurt you for whatever reason (because they're bored or they think you deserve it or anything) then they will.
If you tell someone something often enough over a long period of time, they start to believe it. When you manage to get the closest person in their lives to behave in a way which corresponds to those lies, they believe it more. And the funny thing? No matter how many professional people you talk to, it never goes away. Not really.
I'm never going to get rid of this thing now. I have to live with that and every day it gets harder and harder. I struggle finding meaning in my life. I have so many amazing friends and family and a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend and I love them all so much. But there will always be those voices that won't let me forget. That constantly play it over and over and over until I just want to scream. I haven't had a bad life so why can't I cope with things? Am I really a bad person? Do I deserve this? Is it punishment for a past life?
Thursday 11 October 2012
Fed Up :(
So I'm still feeling extremely fed up with everything. Its annoying me as well being this fed up with everything. I wake up every morning feeling the same, I think the same stuff throughout the day and at night, I'm kept awake by the annoying voices that are telling me the things I already know.
I haven't decided what to do about it yet, maybe I should bake a cake or something, that usually helps for a bit as I have something to take my mind off it all.
On the upside, I did my first Zumba at the weekend, and I love it!! Did 3 routines, 1 for each intensity and got Zumba Legend for the first 2 and Zumba Pro for the last. To say it's my first proper go on it, I was impressed.
As for work, well I'm still doing the two jobs, though I am seriously contemplating why. I know its only till January but I feel like that is a life time away at the moment. The hotel is going to be quiet for the next few weeks so at least I do have another job for then.
Uni work? Well I've not really had a chance to get any started properly. I've read about 12 pages of a textbook for my dissertation but because its science based, I need to be able to understand whats happening and because I keep trying to do it when I've come back from work, I can never concentrate fully.
Right well, I'd better get sorted for work and then uni afterwards.
Saturday 6 October 2012
Lost....
Sorry for the slow posting. I've been a bit busy working two jobs and doing my uni degree. Did 16 and a half hours yesterday (9am - 1:30am) and in work again today at half 1. Fair to say I cannot wait for my day off tomorrow.
Changed a module on my course. I've decided I'm going to go into politics in the Education sector and the module I've changed to is much more suited to this :) However, nearly everyone I've told has either laughed or not believed me, I'm trying not to take it personally but well, it's getting harder.
Feeling very very lost at the moment. I feel like everyone else is moving forwards with their lives, getting engaged or married, having kids, graduating, getting a career, moving in with their partners, even just getting a dog or something. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 6 years now and I have just started to get him to discuss moving in together. Is it because of me? I don't know, it certainly feels like it sometimes.
In terms of uni, I'm doing average. I need to get a first in order to achieve what I want to achieve. However, I'm sitting on a 2:2 at the moment so getting a first is very unlikely. I guess it's good that I know what I want to do though, majority of my friends have no idea. I know I'm going to do a Masters at York Uni but not entirely sure which one yet. I need to see my lecturer to help decide.
Had my flu jab today. Stung like a bitch, which means work is going to be fun today but at least I'm only at Boots and not the hotel as the hotel involves carrying plates of hot food etc.
Anyway, the boyfriend wants to go do something. I promise I won't take as long to post next time!
Changed a module on my course. I've decided I'm going to go into politics in the Education sector and the module I've changed to is much more suited to this :) However, nearly everyone I've told has either laughed or not believed me, I'm trying not to take it personally but well, it's getting harder.
Feeling very very lost at the moment. I feel like everyone else is moving forwards with their lives, getting engaged or married, having kids, graduating, getting a career, moving in with their partners, even just getting a dog or something. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 6 years now and I have just started to get him to discuss moving in together. Is it because of me? I don't know, it certainly feels like it sometimes.
In terms of uni, I'm doing average. I need to get a first in order to achieve what I want to achieve. However, I'm sitting on a 2:2 at the moment so getting a first is very unlikely. I guess it's good that I know what I want to do though, majority of my friends have no idea. I know I'm going to do a Masters at York Uni but not entirely sure which one yet. I need to see my lecturer to help decide.
Had my flu jab today. Stung like a bitch, which means work is going to be fun today but at least I'm only at Boots and not the hotel as the hotel involves carrying plates of hot food etc.
Anyway, the boyfriend wants to go do something. I promise I won't take as long to post next time!
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