Three Long Years...

Three long years since that awful day,
The pain I felt as you walked away,
The tears that fell with you unaware,
Back when I believed you did truly care.

Three long years since we last spoke,
The evening when my heart was broke,
They say it takes time to heal,
Something I know isn't real.

Three long years but you've moved on,
Forgotten all about me for so long,
I still wake up with you on my mind,
If only my feelings I could bind.

Three long years with no hope in sight,
Just useless wishing I could make it right,
I lost everything that fatal day,
Now I'd do anything to take this pain away.

Three long years yet the tears still come,
All the times that you told me I was dumb,
Pathetic and stupid, just a sad loser,
My friends knew you were just a user.

Three long years since I broke apart,
Now no one will ever get my heart,
I cannot trust, I cannot love,
Only to you that I still hold above.

Three long years and I'm still a mess,
Wondering if it'll be the same on the next,
Torturing myself for the things I did wrong,
Pretending to be okay, pretending to be strong.

It's been three long and lonely years,
My family and friends have wiped away my tears,
They've helped to rebuild me,
Just so you couldn't see,
The little broken girl that you left in the street,
Instead of the girl who used to be sweet,
The girl who now isolates herself from her friends,
Until she has to accept she's not okay in the end.

It's been three long and hard years,
By myself, just me and my fears,
The song we played together brings back,
All the good memories we had but now we lack,
I still cannot see the bad,
Just the perfect guy that I once had,
My family watch me as I laugh and smile,
Knowing it will only be for a while.

Its been a long and surprising time,
Never set free from my crime,
The day you left me all alone,
If only you could see the girl that has grown,
Out of the pain, out of the hate,
Except now its too late,
Even now, the pain gets too much to bear,
If only you'd find it in your heart to care.

In The Light of Day...

In the light of day,
When everything seems right,
All her fears are far away,
Except her internal fight,
To stay the happy girl,
With no cares in the world.

In the light of day,
She laughs and smiles,
But when she's alone and out of the way,
Her silent tears flow for miles,
The fight inside gets too strong,
She struggles to belong.

In the light of day,
Her friends don't see,
The voices are loud with what they say,
The isolated girl is no longer me,
The tears that continue to flow,
The pain and fear that seems to grow.

In the light of day,
She can no longer fight,
She cannot see another way,
With no hope within her sight,
The pain she feels is too much,
In this hopeless world where she feels as such.

In the light of day,
Listen to what I cannot say,
The world is cruel and they must pay,
With no doubt and without delay,
No more looking behind, no second glances,
To put this right, my one last chance.

Turning 25 on the 25th...

So I recently turned 25 and decided to ask 5 of my closest friends to give me 5 questions each (making 25, one for each year I've been here for!)

So Tanya (over at Tanya's Tea Party) gave me these questions:

1). If you won £1,000,000, what would you do with it?

If I won £1 million, the first thing I would is pay off my student loans and all the IOUs that I currently have. I'd also buy my Mum a house somewhere. I'd apply to study my Masters degree. I'd probably go on a massive shopping spree with my friends as well!

2). From what you have achieved, what are you most proud of?

I would have to say getting my degree from York St John is probably my greatest achievement. There were so many times I nearly gave up and even before I started, I wasn't sure if I'd even get into the university. It was such an amazing experience and I would go back if I could!

3). What attributes would your dream boyfriend have?

My dream boyfriend would have to be someone who made me laugh. Someone who was sensitive but had a bit of a bad boy side as well. The main thing that I would want in a boyfriend is someone who makes me feel safe and accepts me for who I am completely. Someone who can cope with my hyper moods but also who can handle me when I'm at my lowest.

4). What do you love most about blogging?

The thing I love the most about blogging is the ability to write. I love writing but blogging gives me the opportunity to share my poems, creative ramblings and ideas with the wider population. It also gives my family and friends the chance to see what I think and feel!

5). Did you have goals to do before you turned 25? If so, did you do any of them?

I had lots of goals for before I turned 25. I was going to be engaged in a place of my own. I was going to have a tattoo along with a job in either teaching or as a musician. I was going to be living in a city and I wanted to go travelling as well. Unfortunately, the only thing I have managed to achieve is living in a city! But I have travelled slightly to different places, more as holidays rather than taking a year or two just solely travelling!

Anyway, keep an eye out for the next instalment!

Ciao x

A New Story in a New Direction...

I've always been told to write what you know so that is exactly what I have decided to do. My new idea for my book revolves around things that have happened in my past. Not all bad things though, some of them are good!

I've been sending draft versions to a few of my friends who are helping me edit it as I go and I can already feel like it is helping me to overcome the events that surrounded my teenage years.

I'm a bit concerned that it might affect my Mum and family but since I have changed everyone's names and place names as well, I am hoping that they won't mind. Also, if it helps me to become a better person then hopefully they'll understand.

My childhood wasn't a particularly horrendous one but there were things that happened that have changed me from the happy girl I used to me. Combine that with all the moving and a failed relationship that I'm only beginning to see the truth about, is it any wonder I have dark days?

Anyway best go and carry on writing!

Ciao x

Lost in Translation...

So recently it dawned on me that I have been in Edinburgh for a year now. I've been at my current job for a year, making it my second longest job in a fairly long line of jobs.

However, as always when it gets to this sort of time that I am beginning to feel restless again. I love my job, I really do and I don't want to leave it. On the other hand, I can't help feeling like there is something more I should be doing with my life.

I've been looking into doing a Masters course again at Edinburgh University. However, I won't be eligible for any funding to help towards tuition fees and while I could theoretically manage, I am not sure if it is the wisest of ideas to do it.

I thrive when I'm learning and I know this. I am also aware that doing this Masters course will probably just be another qualification that I won't use, similar to my current BA(Hons) degree I have.

SO! The big question...

Do I study a course I have found which sounds amazing but will take me 3 years to complete but then means I can still work full time at a job I do love?

OR...

Do I forget completely about studying further?

OR...

Do I find another job to work alongside my current one AND study the Masters?

Think I need to talk to the most rational person I know...my Mum...

Ciao x

Creative Ramblings...

As I sit and watch the world go by,
I count down the days till I fly,
Away from the past and to somewhere new,
Where the grass is green and the sky is blue,

No more noise and no more tears,
Where I'll at last forget my fears,
Do not worry for I'll be fine,
Soon I'll have my chance to shine,

The world I'll find will be beautiful and kind,
Where I may have a chance to unwind,
Forget the girl I used to be,
And become the girl everyone wants to see,

Finally able to spread my wings,
My voice will find a new song to sing,
A chance to put my mistakes right,
And away from this endless night,

The sun will shine on a brand new day,
And at last I'll be able to say,
See that girl sat by herself,
No longer will she be on a shelf,

She will be beautiful and free,
Her heart will be full of love you see,
No longer haunted by the past,
Able to smile at long last.

My Favourite Things...

So I thought I would do a post slightly more personal and in depth than some of my previous posts. Usually I write about my past, my random thoughts of the day or I share some of my more creative musings.

The next few posts are going to focus on my favourite things to do. I'll share why I love them, how I got into certain activities and I'll try *fingers crossed* and upload photos (if I can work out how to do that because I am a bit of a technophobe!)

This post is going to focus on playing tenor saxophone.

I started playing tenor saxophone back in Year 7 (when I was 11). It was our first proper music lesson and we were told that the school had several instruments we could try out for to learn to play while we were at the school. There were several brass instruments and violins but there were two alto saxophones and a tenor saxophone. 

I have always loved the way saxophones sound. They're so smooth sounding and a true icon of jazz music, in my opinion. So when the opportunity arose, I snatched up the chance to learn how to play one!

It turned out the three saxophones were a common choice but luckily for me, I was the only person who could get a note out of the tenor saxophone straight away. I was offered the chance of learning to play. Three hours later, I turned up on my doorstep with a huge case containing the Bb tenor saxophone. My mum was slightly shocked to say the least!

Several months later and my parents decided to get divorced. Not the best thing to happen anyway but when the news came that my mum and I would be moving to York. I'm not going to lie, I was heartbroken as I was absolutely sure this would be the end of my saxophone lessons. I had learned so much in a short space of time and I loved playing the saxophone. It had become my dream to play professionally.

We moved to York and I started yet another new school. It took a few weeks but the music department were able to buy a tenor saxophone which they let me borrow while I was attending the school. I started my lessons again and fell back in love with the instrument.

Around a year after I first started playing in York, I began to join bands. I became a member of York Youth Jazz Band as well as the school's jazz, concert and wind bands. I studied hard both on my academic studies and my saxophone studies and I sat my Grade 4 exam.

There are 8 musical grades. Each one requires the student to learn several scales and arpeggios and pieces of music which differ in style. To gain grade 5 and above, students also need to sit a theory exam (which is as boring as it sounds!)

I passed my grade 4 exam and it was partially this that made me certain I wanted to pursue music as a career. I started planning what university I wanted to go to so I knew what A-Levels to study and what grades I needed to get in.

I decided to study a Jazz Course at the Royal College of Music in London. It is one of the best places to study music but that comes with a very high cost! My course was going to be expensive but if I wanted to be a professional tenorsaxophonist, it was a price I had to pay. I wanted to play professionally all over the world, New York, London, New Orleans, Paris, anywhere.

As you may have gathered, I didn't study music at university. I studied Education Studies and English Language and Linguistics instead but that is a different story entirely!

In 2007, my mum and I moved to Berwick-upon-Tweed and it was the October that she gave me the ultimate surprise. For my birthday present, and for doing well in my GCSEs (which I completed in York despite moving halfway through them), she had bought me my very own tenor saxophone.

A bright red Manhattan 5, limited edition tenor saxophone. It was honestly love at first sight. Being the geek that I am, I named it Rudolph.

I studied music at GCSE level and wanted to continue this to A level but unfortunately the sixth form I attended didn't have the option of A level music. Instead I studied a National Diploma in Music Performance. Three years later and I gained a triple distinction which is equivalent to three As at A level. I also studied for my grade 5 exam. While I passed the practical, I failed the theory but I still say I'm grade 5.

I started learning to play saxophone 14 years ago. I haven't played in 4 years but I still have the original passion I first had for it. Learning to play the saxophone helped me through many dark times I faced. My parent's divorce. Being bullied in school. Relationship problems with my parents. Depression. Rejection. 

It was also thanks to my saxophone lessons that I learned to control the fiery temper I inherited from my father. I learned that jazz and classical music calm me down and take me to a safer place. I discovered a talent that seperates me from my family. Being the second youngest of six children (between my mum and dad, not together) it is difficult to find a voice sometimes. Anyone who knows me will say that I never have difficulty finding my voice but its nice to have something that your siblings don't share. Other than my lack of spatial awareness or clumsiness anyway. Two of my sisters were musical but they were sporty or academic as well. Far more academic than me.

I also discovered that passion inside me that I longed for. I wasn't sporty at school, I was fairly academic but I didn't feel I was clever enough. Playing saxophone made me feel like I belonged somewhere at last. Having moved around so much, I got fed up of just being the new girl. Playing saxophone allowed me to find my identity in a world I felt I was an outsider in.

So that's how I started playing saxophone. One of the few things in life I don't regret and something I would never change.

Ciao for now!
X